• Pained

    by  • July 10, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Friends • 0 Comments

    The pain is excruciating. Countless times I have been persuaded that the term is jinxed. It’s immune to me now. Like bullets shot at a safety vest. Friends come and go, who can say that’s false. That term is just for security. It’s a simple statement that you are not alone, or you want to feel alone. Reality is, it is false sense of security. That term is jinxed. We’re in our mid teen years and we rely on others, other human beings. We become weak at the knees to others because we can’t stand on our own two feet. Because we know we’re just human and mistakes and faults are made. So why do we think others aren’t human? We end up relying on others when we can’t even rely on ourselves. I’ve went glorious months without using that term. The close ones I’ve had became upset because I couldn’t return the honor by having the two words come out of my insecure mouth. I’ve learned to not care or place a facade upon my face. Those words became bland to me. It left my vocabulary. I don’t need a jinxed term predicting my future. I don’t need a jagged path before me, I just want to live. Then that one came along. I repeated over and over to my own conscious to not let my guard down and allow him to break my barrier. I don’t know what’s wrong with this one. When I reach my hand out to slap his flesh, it soon becomes a generous offer. A statement telling him that I can be a support. That’s what is mind boggling. My mind races through different emotions, unclear of what’s real and what’s not. That’s when he started using the term. He changed. He used the term more frequently. Not to my face, but to others. To boast? Nowhere near. He was content, he was happy, he was real. I couldn’t return the word. Not after all the broken glass I’ve stepped on and the knives stabbed into my back. I wanted to stand strong, I needed to stand my ground. That’s when he laid two more words on me. Words never spoken to me with such sincerity. I spoke of my doubts to him. I spoke of my fear. In response, he simply stated, “There’s only two words you need to believe in this world” and those two words were trust me. My heart softened to a degree of shock. I began to believe, and scared but I began to trust as well. That’s when he laid the other words on me. The words I never expected. It was a slap in the face. Not from him, but from the almighty from above. The one and only creator of heaven and earth. The day I decided to go back, back to my fears and sorrow. I used the term I believed was jinxed. He convinced me to trust and to believe. So that’s when the wall came crashing down. I took that risk and saw what was beyond the wall, leaving my insecurities behind. How haunted two words can be. How loving, beautiful, and scary the two worded term made me. Best Friends. It’s beyond incredible. But there are terms containing two words that can blow your mind. That can make you tremble in your position for eternity. Just two words can change your life like ‘best friends’ changed mine in a matter of a day. What two other words changed my life? Liver Cancer. How those two terms were used in one day from the same person to me made me shiver. It made me shake with anger towards the man above and it made the rain cry. It’s not right. It’s morally wrong to use those terms in the same day. So as of September 19, 2009, I gained a best friend. As of September 19, 2009, my best friend has liver cancer. It is jinxed. It isn’t his fault he is cursed with this disease. It’s mine. I’ve summoned this jinx upon him. And I hope one day the man above can release this horrid virus I have that’s been affecting the ones I love and care. One day I hope the man above realizes he needs to punish me, and not the ones around me. So please, I beg of you, release this burdensome curse off of me.

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