I won’t replace your name with a Generic one for when I think of one it just screams wrong. As much as I kind of giggled at the name at first and had to fight off my mother joking, it’s a name I’ve come to love.
But that isn’t the point of this.
You know… I really don’t care for the fact that despite my being a writer words never seem to want to attach themselves to my emotions. It always comes out a mess of thoughts that wander and repeat… I hate it but it shall have to do.
I really wish you were actually reading this. On the same hand, no, I really don’t. What would you do if you knew how much I really have fallen for you? Would you smile and take my hand, lifting me from the floor? Or would you scoff and roll your eyes, turning your back to me? I really wish I could say.
Gods… I’ve never felt like this you know? I’ve spent all my life either used and abused by men to the point I figured myself broken. I never thought I’d find love… I didn’t believe that possible for me anymore. Yet that doesn’t make any of this any fucking easier.
Your smile makes my heart flutter…
Yet I see HIS smile in my mind.
I feel high when you touch me…
But I remember HIS touches too.
Have you any idea what it’s like to have to look back on your 6 year old self and know that you were naive enough to LET someone touch you and do things to you? I know my psychiatrist says that “It’s okay, you didnt know. You are not a whore for letting a boy be curious” But that doesn’t help. I still feel dirty and like damaged goods when I think just how fucking perfect your life was. It makes me feel like shit in many ways to know that standing next to you it’s like a Devil meets Angel complex.
But I am happy that you don’t know the suffering I do.
God, half of it I’ve told you but the other half makes me scared you’ll just run the other way.
I wish I could just let it all out to you or someone but it even seems that I can’t talk when I make appointment after appointment. Yet with you I /can/ speak. With you it’s like I can breathe again. Did you know with you my insomnia gets better? I usually wake up 3 or 4 times a night or just can’t sleep at all but with you next to me I don’t wake up so much. The first night I may wake once but after that I actually find true sleep. You’re like a drug to me. You have no idea.
When I slipped and said I love you last night I was expecting you to freak and I wanted to slap my hand over my mouth and try and take it back. But you said you were waiting for me to say it… Why? I felt like I was on cloud nine (i’m mildly curious what makes cloud number 9 so special though…) but yet now all I can do is wonder if you mean that. So many people would lie just to avoid hurting someone’s feelings. Are you one of those people?
I want so badly to just lose myself to the high you give me but it’s hard. Every other moment I can’t help but feel scared you’ll see me as I am and leave. You’re such an amazing person and you deserve so very much better but I’m selfish. I’m too selfish to let you go.
Do you know how much I love the sound of your laugh? Or your scent? Even when you are a mess after just having done some work outside (be it sticking your grandad’s stables with new straw or helping your uncle with building his camp) I could lose myself to your scent, it’s like a comfort to me. In fact it seems to keep me going as I sit here a thousand kilometers away in Montreal. That hat you let me take means far more than anything in this room. Every night I feel like a lunatic smelling you off the hat… but it makes me feel okay.
And another thing… do you not realise that it hurts me to know you won’t visit? The fact you were agreeing to come up at the end of the month was what kept me going this first week but now I have to reach for the little things to keep me here. In a heartbeat if you were in my shoes and needed me, Id do all I could to help you or be there. Am I not worth the same effort? It feels like I’m not.
I keep counting the weeks, days, and hours till I can see and feel you again… But I wonder if you care much at all? Or do you feel the need to hide it? Is that the issue? You did tell me you suppress emotion (to which I said ‘join the club, I get it’) but perhaps you and I differ in what we supress? You don’t want me to see you angry or upset but nor do you let me see if you are truly happy even if you claim to be. Is that what you are doing? Gods, if you are… stop. If only you knew that I /want/ you to trust me with those emotions. I know the agony of supression and how extreme it can get so would I not be a good person to vent to? I would kill just for a glimpse inside that skull of yours.
… I just wish you knew how hurt and confused but happy and content you manage to make me feel. Its like a rollercoaster that never ends and is ever changing course. I wouldn’t trade that for anything though. You seem to be part of the gift I received from the Gods when I got hired at such a simple job… Who knew a job at a book store would lead to a new best friend, promotions, and love? I sure as hell am glad I waited till I got that interview. I don’t care how strange it seems but it has changed my life for the better… I’m not sure i’d still be here if it didn’t.
But Gods I wish you could just see how much I merely want to make you happy. I’d kill if it means I get a smile from you. I want to do all I can to be the best I can to you… But you sure as hell don’t make it easy at times. Ugh, just be more straight forward could you? It won’t kill you. I just want so badly to understand you…