this is to you. this is to the you i met in 8th grade, the you i knew throughout high school, the you who you are now.
to you who i met in 8th grade: you were the only person that i have ever gotten butterflies from. our mom’s introduced us and the second i met you i knew you would be addicted to me by the look in your eyes. you thought i was beautiful, you were the first and only person to ever call me beautiful and mean it. we held hands, and you were my first kiss. we kissed in your living room on a rainy day. you taught me how to drive your 4 wheeler, even though i drove into a tree. we talked on the computer every once in a while and i remember sitting down the second i got home to make sure i wouldn’t miss a chance to talk to you. you made me feel like i was on top of the world. i laughed at you for singing jack johnson’s song, “better together” to me and i told you you were silly cause you barely knew me. you looked me in the eyes and told me, “i’ve known you my whole life.” and i laughed and walked away cause i knew that was one of the cheesy pick up lines used in movies. our parents were smoking weed together and i was too naive and innocent to understand, you took me by the hand and said they were just smoking cigs not to worry. then, a month later you told me you didn’t want to be with me. you were the first person to ever break up with me, and again, it was a rainy day. i told you i agreed, but secretly i didn’t.
to you who i knew throughout high school: i went half a year without you. problems started sprouting in my home life. i started questioning why i lived with my grandparents or why i had to see a psychologist every week. i didn’t know why i was being fed these stupid pills everyday or why i never saw my dad and had a re-occuring nightmare about being raped. you came back. you came over to my mom’s one saturday night during my visitation and sat on the couch. we were watching the stupidest movie ever, laughing and betting that i could eat more pizza than you (i did) and you looked at me and said “i think you love me.” i said no and blushed. you responded “well that’s a shame, cause i love you.” from then, we built our relationship. i told you everything about me, and you made me question my life even more. i became more and more angrier that everyone in my family was holding my life a secret and no one gave me answers, so i ran to you. we started by drinking, that led to weed, that led to cocaine, that led to a few shots of heroin. my grandma found my material and my syringe december 12th, and i got kicked out. i moved with my mom and you were the only one there for me. we saw each other every weekend and every night we stayed on the phone talking about life, our past present and future. we had so much in common and we were soul mates. everything was perfect. we got high together to forget the pain. then, my mom’s fiance started fighting me and abusing my mom. you were there to help me and hit him back. you stood up for me and you were the only one there. no one knew my pain but you. that night that i overdosed i told you i didn’t want to live anymore. you told me that i was too beautiful to die. you were the only one that i ever told that to. the only one i told that i feel worthless and hopeless. i OD’ed and was found almost dead, i also miscarried. i got kicked out and you took me to the hospital. i was in rehab for a week. sometimes, i wonder if you were my angel at that time. all i wanted was someone to care, and you did. i loved you more than words. after i got help and put back on pills i went back to crack. that one night, we got high and drove to the mount. we sat, watching the sun rise and you told me you were gonna marry me. you were afraid to stop loving me. you never knew it was possible to love someone so much. that night, that was the night you sold me in a drug deal. i will never forgive you, but i did. i was that desperate for some loving. you stood there offering me for a bag. i was too high to function and cried the whole time. at that point, i never felt more worthless in my life. we would break up, and get back, break up, and get back. you would never call me names you always told me i was beautiful but you would hit me. than you learned putting a gun up to my head the was the best way to control me until one day i took the gun from my head and placed it to my chest. i said “i dare you. no one cares enough.” and you know, it all went downhill. i was going to college 6 hours away, and you dropped out of high school. i was elected prom queen the same day you called me and told me you didnt love me anymore. i sent you messages, texts, left you voicemails crying for you to respond and for a month you ignored me. you dropped me. i found out was i pregnant at that time and i ended up drugging myself up so much that i killed another child in my stomach. to this day, i will never ever forgive myself for that and never tell anybody. you can call that my little secret. i found out you were fucking a new girl, who already had a fiance. well, i burned your shit in front of your house and fucked up your car. i hated you. you called me back. we talked for a week. you begged me to stay and we sat in a laundry mat all night. we talked about the future and the mistake you made. i trusted you, again. and a week later, you left me. i went all summer quitting my addiction on my own. i had to build a life back up and my strength to go away. you have no idea how hard that was. you never cared. i was about to leave in 1 day and my mom went to the hospital. from all the drugs she did it was eating away at her spine and she would be paralyzed. you came to my house and said you were going to come over the next morning. sure enough, the next morning i was awoken by you. you waved goodbye after giving me your shirt to sleep with. you told me that no matter what you always will love me and i will always be on your mind.
you, now: i see you have a new girlfriend. well, that’s nice. i have a new boyfriend. and you know, i am in love and i never thought i could again. but he doesn’t call me beautiful like you did. he doesn’t look at me the same way you did. when i cry he tells me to breathe, you would sit there, calmly and hug me. no words, just hug me. and sometimes.. that’s all i want. i want that now. i think of you all the time. i wonder if you graduated, if you have a job, if you’re going to college up north like you said you’d follow me. i fight the urge to not text you and tell you i miss you. i will always love you and after everything you fucked up in my life, you were the only one there for me. i’m not gonna lie, my life is shit. i have no one to tell my true feelings to. no one to tell i feel worthless. but you’re gone, and forever will be.
i just want you to know i love you. always have & always will.