• Why didn’t I tell you…

    by  • July 9, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Grief, Those Gone Before Us • 0 Comments

    that i loved you when i had the chance? it was over two years ago the day those army officers came to my house to tell me you were gone. why didn’t you tell me you were so depressed? that you were drinking and using in order to cope with the pain of being away from home? why didn’t i tell you that day when you were home on leave that i still love you? that i still wanted to grow old with you and have a family with you. why couldn’t i just accept the fact that you loved me more than anything in this world and would do anything for me? how could i possibly fuck that up? i miss you. i miss you more than anything in this world, even to this day. i think about you constantly and your name is always on my lips. i’m scared. i’m scared to completely let you go and accept that you’re gone. i’m scared to let someone in again. what if the same thing happens? what if i fuck up again, walk away, and lose them forever, like i did you? i can’t take another heartache like that. i’ll fall apart. i miss you. i miss your hugs. your kisses. your comforting words, even after we split, you were still there for me whenever i needed someone. you were everything to me. i know that now. i wish i would have known that then. before i lost you. before all this happened.

    i’m scared now. scared to love someone the same that i did you. scared that something will happen and they will be taken from me or that i’ll mess up and leave and then lose them for good like i did you. you helped this person to come into my life, i know you did. he reminds me a lot of you. the way he treats me. like i’m the only person in the world. the only thing that matters. it’s refreshing after 4 years to have this feeling again, and scary. very scary. but thank you. thank you for sending him my way. for helping him to help me heal. i love you my darling. i always have and always will. i’m sorry i didn’t tell you that more often while you were away. i wish i would have the night before you died. like i was planning, but didn’t. i hope. i really hope that you’re happy and free of pain now. i love you and miss you more than anything. i hope they have internet in heaven and i hope you “stumble” across this message for you.

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