• some diary pages

    by  • July 9, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Heartbreak • 0 Comments

    no. i’m not sad. i’m not even mad. got nothing to get sassy over, i just don’t care.

    when let down becomes a regular routine with the people you expect the highest of there isn’t a feeling for that. i’d almost say the feeling of giving all of myself to someone and having them throw me away time after time is like regret. i regret every word, every smile and every kiss. if i could, i would take it back. shoulda ran the other way when i had the chance, but i’m glad i didn’t. i’m not trippin though, now i know everything i don’t want and how after each time you ripped my heart out without a sorry or even a goodbye isn’t it strange how i could still manage to feel anything for you? i hope you remember me, when you’re with those girls. i hope you remember how it feels to be with a good girl, one who’d hold it down for you, one with genuine respect for you, and trust and feelings. i hope you find another one who is committed to just you, not going around being sneaky and kife. because that’s what i believe you deserve so good luck and have a good life

    i know you have feelings, deep down there somewhere, but you just act so heartless, i tried to be there for you but in the end the type of person you are changed everything and it’s disgusting to me. if you’re reading this i wonder which one of you it is. maybe it’s the sweet caring side of you and maybe you’re taking this in but i bet it’s the aggressive ‘i don’t care fuck you’ side of you that i see so much lately. i know i’ll remember you forever, but as the one who set the bar for embarrassment and regret, no one will ever set that bar higher because i won’t let them. i know i’ll be smart enough this time around to get the respect i deserve and let them go if i don’t.

    i didn’t deserve that, what you did to me…. i guess it’s all just fun and games to you but i can’t take it anymore. i have actual feelings, it hurts when you do this.

    and no matter what you do, i kept trying because i really believed you were the best guy i knew. i wanted to do it all for you, but i’m done though and i won’t forget everything this time. i really finally realized you are everything everyone said you were and everything you promised you’re not.

    I can’t describe how I felt for you, I really cared because I believed you did. And when I realized how badly you were messing with my head it was like an instant switch, I hate you. It disappoints me that I had such faith in you, such hope for us and you could break that. Not only did you mess around with my trust, you lied to me, to keep me holding on to a weak image of you and me together and at the time I didn’t know you were just a selfish lonely boy who needed a girl there at every second, I didn’t know how deceiving you could be, but this… wow you really did a number on me, congratulations..

    I remember the day you told me, I was the one you wanted but you still loved her, and it wasnt fair to me. Even though it hurt, I respected that a lot, because you could have kept us both going and neither would have ever known, but you didn’t. then somewhere along the line you decided that one of us wasn’t enough, and I guess I could kind of understand that, wanting two great girls in your life, and not have to decide which one you lose, but it doesn’t work like that.. you should have taken it into consideration you were really just being greedy and hurting us both

    I don’t know what I’m doing, I don’t know where I going, but i’m sick of being misled. I feel like I keep going in circles trying to get you to understand and it’s so impossible. I could find a place somewhere, be with someone who really cares and appreciates everything. But i’m so stuck in this one spot, and no matter how hard I try I can’t seem to pull myself out. I’m sick, and i’m exhausted, so tired of the bullshit and lies but I can’t seem to let you go, it really kills. When I think about all the hurt stupid boys have inflicted on my life, I know yours cut the deepest. And seeing that you go on, so unaffected it just goes deeper and deeper, all the words you said.. each letter like a knife cutting in to my heart, bleeding out for your broken promises… it shouldn’t be this way and i’ll try my absolute hardest to not let this happen ever again

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