I dreamed of you again last night. I know that’s not exactly news, considering I dream of you nearly every time my eyes close. But last night was different. If I didn’t know better, I would swear you were beside me in bed, not the cold spot where you should’ve been. I could feel your skin, warm and welcoming against mine, your breath slow and steady on the back of my neck. I felt safe for the first time in years when I thought your arms were around me, and then cold and hollow once more when I found my bed to be empty of the man I have always loved. I choked back the tears, much the same as every other day, in hopes of getting through another eighteen hours so I could once again retreat to a place where I don’t feel the constant throbbing ache of loneliness that fills my every waking moment.
We speak nearly every day, and while there is a real comfort in your voice, it kills me a little to have that and that alone. We both know that there are strong and undeniable feelings between us, and in my head I know and understand the reasons we can’t be together. Neither of us wants to hurt the others that would inevitably be affected. Neither of us wants to destroy the lives of those who have built them around of us. We don’t say how we feel. We say that we remain silent because we don’t want to hurt those who may overhear, but I fear it’s more to keep the feelings from being something real that can hurt us even more. You pretend that you don’t want to tell me that you love me, and I don’t tell you that it makes me feel sick every time you talk about her. We talk about how happy we would be together, how amazing it would be to live a life full of love and passion, knowing it won’t ever be because we don’t have it in us to be so selfish. You don’t want to leave her because you feel like she’s earned a place in your life, even though you love me more than you could ever love her. And I never tell you the true breadth and depth of how I actually feel. Even though you constantly offer, I won’t let you carry that burden for me.
I’m not going to tell you how I longed for death every waking moment and was plagued with nightmares every time I managed to cry myself to sleep after you left; or how much it still hurts that you didn’t even trust me enough to tell me the truth and let me decide what I was willing to live with. I won’t tell you how your stupid, foolish pride destroyed every chance I ever had of having a real and meaningful relationship, a life or family with the man I’ll always love. And I’ll never tell you how badly I want you to just choose me.