• I’m sorry I’m not as strong as you thought I was.

    by  • July 9, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Heartbreak • 0 Comments

    Dear j,

    Since the moment you made my molecules buzz I’ve wished i could somehow allow you to feel what i was feeling. And now i wish i could share the ripping feeling you put in my chest whenever i see you. I sat there and took on the most tiring emotional event i’ve put myself through in a while. I put on such a strong face you have the image of me being stronger than i can ever be. You’ll never see what’s behind the smile. The hurt i felt is now starting to fade. I tried to get out twice and you begged me to stay. So i let myself feel something. You told me you were falling hard. Well i fell hard and fast. Thinking i was catching up. I didn’t think you were that weak. I thought you saw how things were supposed to be. I have nothing to combat the time you two had together. I know you’re on a suicide mission. I knew this was going to happen. I warned you. And you still went back to her. After I tried to save myself you still ended up abandoning me. And now shes taking you away. From everyone who loves you enough to tell you the truth. Everyone who needs to be there when she does to you what she always does. And you’ll be so far away. Away from your home. With someone who will inevitably hurt you. It blows my mind how you could say all those things to me. Beg me not to leave you. How i was yours. The way you held me. I can’t erase the sound of you laughing out of my head. it makes me smile. Doing nothing, listening to music, laying in bed talking about EVERYTHING. I opened myself up when i believed i was safe and you spit in my face. I hate seeing you. Yet i want to. It hurts my whole body. You can tell and you stay away. But i need the hurt. I need to remember how bad you hurt me so i never let it happen again. You’re on my mind constantly. I can’t get you out. I wish you would just leave. I hate sleeping because you’re in every one of my dreams. I can feel your kiss in them and it feels like you’re there. I want nothing more than to go back to falling asleep in your arms every night. But i doubt it will ever happen. You’re an amazing person. I am the one that deserves you. I would never hurt you. I wish i still had you. To talk to. Someone to hold me. Someone who wanted to hold me. Someone who would fall asleep smelling my lotion. I’ve been so stupid and lost and empty since you left. I wanted, no i needed you. I still do. Everytime my phone goes off a part of me hopes it’s you. But i’m not stupid. It’s never going to happen. And for some reason this hurts in a way i haven’t hurt before. It was in fate we met, in weakness we fell. I did the best i could. And i’m still here. Acting like looking you in the face isn’t tearing me to shreds.

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