This is to all the people who disappoint me. I believe in having high expectations for people. I have this never-give-up-on-you complex. I can’t give up. I cannot walk away from people who I love that mess up their lives and sink into a pathetic remnant of what they could be. I know I could be a better person, and that keeps me going. And I cannot help but being afraid to let go of them for fear I could have done more. Maybe it’s unhealthy, I don’t know, but I can’t help it.
The first person who disappoints me is the one who I cared deeply about through high school. He was a great guy when I met him, sweet, funny and kind. He began to play lacrosse and turned into a jerk. I used to stand up for him, but he never stood up for me. But at times he would say the wisest things to me, and I could see there was a strong and faithful man inside the jerk who brushed my friendship off. I never wanted to date him, though I probably would have if he asked, all I wanted was friendship. And I pushed him, challenged him to be better, and sometimes he was. But I haven’t spoken to him in a year. It is like I dropped off the face of the earth to him, I don’t even exist anymore. And I don’t think he is living up to his potential.
The second is another friend from high school. He was talented, is talented. He had such a heart for God, and wasn’t afraid to show it. He got mixed up with bad people and posts the most disgusting, selfish, horrible, profane statuses on facebook, all lyrics from songs he listens to. He has a terrible attitude and is cruel. He has so much potential to be a great man. But he is smoking pot and drinking his life away instead, just out of high school.
The last is a friend I met last fall in my first year of college. She was a sophomore and a very abrasive person. But she and I somehow got along. I will say that I put up with quite a lot. She demanded help from me all the time, she put me down constantly, she never helped me, never volunteered anyway. I had to wrestle help out of her. She was rude and pretty much a downer on everything. I am an optimist, an idealist and I accepted things about her, I made concessions for her. But there was not an ounce of understanding for me. No. Everything I did was the wrong way, every opinion I had was the wrong one, every thing I said was the wrong thing. I was stupid. At least that’s what she says. What kills me is that I understand why she is the way she is. I do not condone it, there is a difference, but I understand. She has had a rough life. Really rough. I have not, really. But she is always the one in the worst pain. Always with the severest of problems and she is so wrapped up in herself that she could never empathize with me. Never think to offer to help me. No, but if I was too busy to help her I was stupid and a bad friend. I told her to stop being so cruel to me, and she fumed for weeks, said terrible things about me behind my back, but I am done. I can’t let her drain me anymore, but I still can’t give up on her.I just can’t. But I cannot be close to her anymore.
I just wanted to get that out. I guess I really don’t know what to do with any of these people. I am just so frustrated and hurt and disappointed. They could be great people, they could do greater good than I ever will.