• Better in Time

    by  • July 9, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Letting Go • 0 Comments

    I don’t know why and it really shouldn’t, but for some strange reason, what you did to me still hurts. I know that we weren’t talking for that long, but I actually started to fall for you. I spent so long trying to deny that I liked you, but when I finally did, you screwed me over. After the whole thing, I was ready to forgive you, but once I heard about the second time, there was and is no turning back. It really did hurt because you knew that I don’t just randomly hook up with guys and that I actually liked you. Even worse, you were my first kiss, I know it is sad and pathetic, but it’s true and I guess that just added salt to the wound. I don’t know why I couldn’t tell you these things when we talked. I had an entire speech planned out and I didn’t say any of it. I wish I would have told you exactly how I felt and how much you hurt me. It seems like you didn’t care about me and that I was just another random girl. How could you do that to me? It was pretty messed up what you did, let along that you did it to a friend. I don’t know what hurt more, you breaking my heart and knowing that there will be nothing between us, or the fact that I lost a really good fried. You just got me from the start, understood my jokes without me having to explain myself. We would joke back and forth and honestly I just miss you. Not in the I love you, hold my hand, let’s be together for the rest of our lives way, but just simply that I miss having you in my life. But I know that it is probably for the best that we aren’t friends. Every time I see you, there is a rush of emotions that come back up. Not necessarily ones of love or lust, but anger as well. I always try to look my best when I see you so that you know what you missed out on, and I know it’s childish and petty. But I have to hate you a little because I can’t admit any other feelings for you or else it would hurt too much. I know it sound really messed up but whenever our friend would visit who transferred, I would get even more excited knowing that I’ll see you. I really shouldn’t be thinking about you at all, but for some reason I just can’t stop. I try and try but you’re still there on my mind, and honestly I don’t think I will ever forget you because you were my first kiss and that sucks because I wasted it on someone like you. You’re a selfish bastard who took that away from me. I waited so long for my first kiss and I can’t believe I gave it to you! I should have listened when people told me that you were a player and that I’m too sweet to be with you, but I didn’t listen and followed my heart. And as much as I want to, I still don’t hate you, I just can’t and knowing that kills me. You hurt me big time and we were only “talking” for a little bit and still months later I still think about you. I think back and analyze everything you said and did wondering if you ever liked me or if I was some conquest. Your friends tell me that you really did like me and that you knew you fucked up, but that just makes it worse knowing that you didn’t fight for me. I don’t want to be mean or cruel, but I just want to let you know how much you hurt me, no so you feel like a horrible person, but so you realize that not everyone can detach their emotions and that what you do can actually hurt people. I don’t want don’t want to be a horrible person, but I’m glad you’re transferring to another college because then I can get you out of my life for good.

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