• the dark color inside my eyes

    by  • July 8, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Confession • 0 Comments

    I wonder how i became this person.
    It didnt help that my ‘friends’ told me and convinced me i’m this girl.

    I guess it started when I got insecure after that relationship. I lost someone I loved, and there was no one to offer counsel. If yes I’m a person with a self-support style, I also opened up to most of them. It was a good time to rip me off, such an opportunity. They took it.

    What hurts the most is this idea that one can change anything by oneself. I mean I get its supposed to be encouraging but what about loneliness? This new-age atmosphere and ideas that anyone can be ok at all times becomes a state of how one have to be ok at all times, how imperfect you are when you’re not. In the end I’ve hidden that I’m not ok, and otherwise I know that people surrounding me will find failure, find me a failure and let me out.

    But who important can it be when I’m already out, locked in my own fear and loneliness?

    I have a beautiful face and body, which I say not with pride or joy. I’ve learned to admit that this state is more a handicap than an upgrade, just as honey attracts all kinds of bugs instead of angels does my appearance. But when I feel my friends talking about me and how I cant use this as the tool they wish I cant help but think I’m just as stupid as they consider. How come I cant get all that fun when they would if they had my figure? Even worst is my own disappointment, it is clear that even this face cant attract a nice person, or I have such a poor taste and bad judgment that I’m picking bugs over angels.

    Thanks new age psychology and self-improvement, you make me see that everything which is bad in my life is absolutely under my control, therefore when someone breaks me its my fault for been so weak or stupid or a long list of defects.
    When you’re in charge or yourself there is no one else to blame, even when they could be hold responsible right? There’s also no one with a helping will. How come I can’t be perfect as they show they are?

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