I don’t understand.
Sometimes I feel as if I’m not worth anything to you. You tell me you love me all the time. I feel that all of this time I’ve been patient and understanding. I feel bad when I feel this way and when I complain. I feel like a brat. But I really just don’t understand why I have to understand all the time.
We went on a really nice date once. It was the only one that counted, because you drove there and back. You paid for dinner. You took me to a new place. It was my birthday. After dinner we camped out in the living room and watched movies all night. It was nice and simple and wonderful.
I asked you today if we can go white water rafting with some of my friends from church. I offered to pay for myself and half of gas. I thought that would be fair. But you wouldn’t go for monetary reasons and because you might start a new job the next day. I can’t help but be a little disappointed.
It’s a half-day trip. You like doing outdoors-y stuff. Everyone’s bringing their significant others. Mine never comes. I stay up all night with you all the time even when I have to get up in the morning to work. If we stayed in more and cooked more, we can save the $50 that it would cost for us to go.
I never ask for anything from you. I only ask that you go places with me and you never do. Even when I ask you and you come, you never want to 100%. I stayed an extra day in Florida with you, even when I have to work the next day, so you can hang out with your friends.
I really just don’t understand why you can’t do just one thing for me.
Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve to be treated like this. The first five months of our relationships, we hid it from people and we lied to them. All we fought about then was just that I wanted to come clean and you didn’t. Around my birthday you forgot that you promised me that we’d go see Harry Potter. Instead you went with the girl who is in love with you, that you claimed as “psycho,” to a Pink Floyd show. I cried a lot that night. I think Stephen and Inga babysat me that night, and Inga gave me the bike because she felt bad for me.
Then yesterday you left to the beach with your friends. We were at the beach two weeks ago. But whatever, your decision. But this past almost two weeks that you’ve been gone, you’ve called a few times, barely said ‘I love you,’ and said you were ‘busy’ all the time. We only talk about Harry Potter, tomatoes, moving, and cameras. When I want to talk about something else I get a lecture. When I ask about your grandfather you said you didn’t want to talk about it. I told you Inga was leaving the country yesterday and Kate is moving away and all you said was “it happens.” I feel like I’ve let you walk all over me and now I have no bones and all I want to do is cry. You say all the time that you want to “be real” with me and be fair, but sometimes all I need is someone to comfort me and baby me. I know that sounds childish but I’m being honest. And I honestly think you just don’t care. Or maybe you’re just there to celebrate the good for me, but I’m on my own when things are bad.
You text me all the time saying how much you want to watch Harry Potter with me when you get back. I honestly don’t want to anymore. It’s not fair for me to feel like this while you’re away with your friends, having a good time. Not that I want you to have a horrible time. Sometimes I feel like I should just purposely be mean to you so you’d know how I feel. But I don’t want to do that, I don’t want to hurt you, because I love you. We don’t hurt the ones we love.
There’s a lot of people who have said that I’m too sensitive and there’s a lot of people who have really hurt me. I hate that you’re one of them and you don’t even know.