• Running scared.

    by  • July 8, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Buck up! • 0 Comments

    Dear you

    When i met you i knew that we were going to be the greatest of friends. You listened well and were always there for me. I loved eating banana splits and chocolate shakes..talking about nothing…making fun of people…watching lotr…and smoking cloves at night. You told me you liked me and i denied you. But for two years now i have regretted that and suppressed all of my feelings for you b.c i figured you would never feel the same again. People have been telling me that we are like a “brother and sister” or would be a “perfect couple.” You even told me that someone said that we were “soul mates.” I believe that. I believe that we are and i believe that i deserve nothing more then you.

    For four years of my life i have had nothing but poor relationships. Blaming myself every time something went wrong even though i knew it wasn’t my fault. It just kept happening so much that i figured i had to be doing something wrong. Becoming more sad and pathetic, feeling sorry for myself and bitter as hell. My trust issues are as tall as the empire state building and my confidence, if i could put on a scale, would be -40. You know all this. I’ve told you and you’ve been around to witness some of it. Earlier this year when i finally unleashed all of my feelings for you i thought it would be “butterflies and cupcakes” (lame) but you get it. Unfortunately it wasn’t. I was dating someone at the time and i know i told you that it was going to end it and we could go from there. But i threw that back into your face and told you i wasn’t ready to end my relationship quite yet…i didn’t want to do that to him. But i regretted that almost as much as i regretted not telling you that i liked you for so long.

    Later, when i broke up with him and we decided to go slow/see where things go…i was ELATED. I was so happy that karma was going to give me a break for once and it was going to be my turn to finally be with a gentlemen…someone who would put me FIRST and not second, eighth, or eleventh. I trusted you b.c you were my best friend…how could i not? and i trusted you b.c i knew that you felt just as passionately about this as i did. Everything was going GREAT. I loved chatting with you everyday and all day…about everything and nothing at the same time. It was like it always is except i knew at the end of it i would actually be able to call you my boyfriend…the love of my life…or i had hoped. Then you were weird for a few days. I didn’t hear from you that much and i knew something was up. And then you dropped the bomb on me. I won’t get into it b.c it makes me want to vomit sadness and hate every fiber of your being. but…

    How dare you. I guess it was easier to dump on your best friend b.c i’m not around? or b.c you knew i would eventually forgive you? After everything we have been through and everything you have said or that i have said…you just take it all back b.c you are confused and what? I’m so angry with you. everyday i tell myself that i should be used to this! but i’m not b.c every time it happens it’s like the first time. If you were really a gentlemen you would have told HER that it wasn’t going to happen b.c you already HAD something going on with me! Now i regret telling you anything at all b.c i didn’t think you were going to throw it back in MY face…i assumed this was our time. What was i supposed to say to you? “don’t worry..having brotherly sisterly love stamped back on my head is secretly exactly what i wanted!” or “It’s fine! by soul mates i knew you meant best friend soul mates!” ha. god. you just let me throw you into the same category as all the other douche bags in my life…which you said you wanted to avoid but i guess you didn’t really understand what you were telling me. You want to try some one else b.c you have had some long thing for her as well? WHAT THE FUCK? ha We claim to be best friends and yet i haven’t heard two shits about her…ever. What you don’t understand is that your “relationship problems” are as follows: If any pretty girl shows the slightest bit of interest in you, you are on them like white on rice. Why? b.c you have a few things in common? or because you used to have a thing for her? How well has that worked out in the past? tell me? how many times have i sat and listened to you being stupid and never thinking about the consequences before you just jump in. One, two, three <— and one of them didn't even like you like that! but b.c you hung out one on one or she talked to you a lot…you just assumed! geesh. man up.

    i’m broken. used goods. can’t you see that? didn’t you know i would take this SO hard? I won’t get over it…I can’t…

    why are you running away…

    you told me that there was no one better then me as far as you were concerned…well i’m telling you that there is no one better then YOU as far as I am concerned…

    why don’t you want this like i want this…

    i dont know if we would work out but isn’t it worth it to find out?

    it’s not that i NEED you…i want you…more then anything. can’t you see that?

    i think i’m truly in love with you…

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