I miss you everyday since you’ve been gone. I miss you all the time. I miss going to bed with you. Before we left to Destin I missed you, and I missed you after we came back. I miss getting ready to go to bed with you. You always check the kitchen twice before bed and you make sure the lights are off and doors are locked. Then you use the bathroom and brush your teeth and meet me in bed and kiss me at least once. Your breath smells like fresh mints and your lips taste like minty toothpaste. Then you look at me for a little bit then you play with my hair. Most days you say things like “I love you” or “You have the best hair ever” or you don’t say anything, but at the same time you’re saying everything. Then you hug me really close then we’d part. You always sleep on my right side, because you like the wall. We’d sleep apart at first, but then somehow we always end up in the same position: We’re both on our sides and you hold me close. Some nights and mornings we complain about how our bed is too small and how we need a king size bed, or at least a queen. When we had our day at the glorious Motel 6 we had a queen size, but we still slept in our usual position. So sometimes I don’t think we need a bigger bed because we just like being together. It’s too natural to not do…or something like that.
Sometimes when we have crazy dreams or just anything we wanted to say in the middle of the night we always just know. When I have something in mind you just always happen to be awake and vice-versa. I love our half-conscious conversations about crazy dreams and the past, the future, and crazy unreal plans or anything that crosses our minds. Sometimes I live for those.
Every night you wake up in the middle of the night because you’re thirsty or you have to use the bathroom. It wakes me up but it never bothers me. Ever. Moments like that make me realize that I’m now a part of something bigger than myself. I’m not alone and I always have you. You make me feel safe.
I miss sleeping in and waking up with you. I always wake up at 8 am at the latest and sometimes you wake up earlier, then go back to sleep. I know that once you woke up before I did, and you thought I was still asleep. You played with my hair and kissed my forehead and my back. You held me closer and closer and you quietly whisper “I love you” to my ear. I remember I almost cried when I heard you say that that morning.
But when you’re still sleeping and I wake up before you sometimes I just don’t move. I don’t want to wake you. You always look so peaceful (although most of the time, you snore and your body makes strange noises) and i love hearing you breathe. Most times I kiss your arm and I’d draw hearts or I love you’s on your arm. Eventually you’d wake up and smile at me and kiss me over and over. Then you hug me. We stay quiet for a little bit. We’re under the covers, nothing to do for the day, and everything is perfect.
I bought new pillows recently and we haven’t tried them yet. I have, several times, and they’re pretty cushy. I bought them when you were out of town. That night I felt so stupid because we didn’t buy them earlier. We go to TJ Maxx at least once every two weeks and we always look at the home stuff but we never bought the pillows. They make our bed look bigger and much more comfortable than it actually is. And I hate that I have to step into our recently-reworked bed alone at night and you’re not there.
I think about a lot of things at night when you’re not with me. Two days ago marked one full year since we went on our first date. It was the third of July. We went to Piedmont Park and I took some photographs. We saw a really ugly duck and adopted it by calling it Herbert. Then we saw future Keef and Mayer. We saw bees and you helped me spot bees at standstill so I can photograph them. It was the first time I raided your iPod and almost had a heart attack because you still have Salt ‘n Peppa’s “Push It.” We went back to my mom’s house that night and we walked from the house to the downtown square. We bounced a tennis ball back and forth as we walked. We watched fireworks that night. You laid on the grass and I laid on your stomach, eating corn on the cob. I kissed you on the cheek that night for the first time, and everything was perfect.
Then there was the first time that we kissed. I went to your apartment after our physics final exam. I sat on your massage chair and I pulled out my formula sheet under my calculator. You said that wasn’t technically cheating but I still felt horrible. You took me to the grocery store and bought me ice cream and we made pie. We watched The Incredibles and you kissed me – even though I accidentally bumped your head when you tried to kiss me the day before. The day you kissed me was July 28, 2010. It was the last day of summer classes, and it was perfect.
The first time you told me that you love me was mid-December, a week before Christmas. We met halfway between Kennesaw and Albany in Macon. We made our first venture into the world of glorious motels, this one was the Red Roof Inn. We laid in bed together, under the sheets. You said that you thought that I love you and I said the same thing. You said, “do you?” and I said the same thing. You hugged me and wrestled me until I laughed so hard. I kissed you and I told you that I love you. You smiled so big and you whispered in my ear “I love you, baby.” I think I was the happiest person ever that day. That day was perfect.
There’s more things that I think about, but those made me realize that we have plenty of perfect days when we’re together. Thinking about the perfect days that are actually not very perfect always makes me realize how much I miss you. I miss you so much, everyday, all the time.
Please come home soon. I love you.