I was just sitting here thinking about the things you did in order to jog my memory. You are good and you know it… I understood you that day you were bragging on yourself, you little shit, haha.
I wish I could somehow make you understand about my memory and why I kept this to myself for so long. I never forgot you, not really, but I did somehow let our night fade from my memory. Throughout our years apart I did think about you from time to time. It would happen at the weirdest moments by something I would hear or something I would see and I would remember a moment in the night. Sometimes it was just the shorter version of the name you use now that would pop in my head, and I would wonder who I knew by that name. But I never stopped to ponder on it much and just put the memory away.
Along the way I think I scrambled the memories of our night in such a fashion that when I tried to remember the events of our night, I couldn’t. When I finally stopped to ponder on it, all I could remember was sitting under the tree with you and part of bedroom scene. Everything else was just a blur.
The more you reminded me…in ways that still boggle my mind, the more I would remember. But I had to wonder if I was imagining things, I kept questioning myself and my memory. I was still questioning myself when I sent you that anonymous text… But I wanted, no, more like I needed to see your reaction. I still remember the day you let me know you received it.
I finally started believing it was you but at the same time I was starting to realize that this affected both of us more than I think either of us would like to admit… I couldn’t tell you I knew because of the feelings that we both were feeling, but you knew I knew.
I told my boyfriend a while back and he had a hard time understanding why I still consider you a close friend. He held a grudge for a long time and kept badgering me about it. I finally told him that it deeply affected both of us, how could it not, if it didn’t it would mean we don’t have a heart. He took it better than I thought he would, in fact it might have been just the thing to say because I think it helped him to understand.
I finally remember most of that night, I don’t exactly remember the promise we made but I am glad you are in my life again, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I will always hold a special place for you in my heart. We seemed to connect on a soul level and it hurts when I feel like I have to hide our closeness because of how my ex brought it out in the open. It made me feel guilty about what we were doing. I know it was my fault for telling him and I wish I could have made him understand, but he was too bullheaded to listen or to want it to be an open subject. When he told me I couldn’t see you anymore.. it was ‘case closed’. I think he knows, deep down, that is part of the reason I left him.
Although I feel guilty to her for the soulmate feeling I feel with you, I think she understands… more than I do… and I am thankful to her for keeping you in my life. I don’t make an effort to see you as much as I would like but I never want her to feel like I am using her to get to you because that is the furthest from the way I feel. She is my best friend and I would never betray her trust.
I miss you, I shouldn’t but I do. I miss the days you would tell me your stories, I always loved hearing them. I am sad because now I have to stand on the sideline and listen to you tell the stories to other people, but not to me because of the guilt you are probably feeling. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that he knew but how could I do that when I couldn’t even tell you that I knew.
I will always treasure our memories… old and new, good and bad. I don’t regret meeting you again, I just wish we could be more of a part of each other’s life. And I am not saying I want you as a romantic partner, although I am guilty because the thought has crossed my mind on more than one occasion. I just want our friendship back. I sometimes wish we could talk about it. I feel better now that is out in the open… but there are so many things I would like you to know.