It’s so loud inside my head with words that I never said.
My roommate keeps telling me that I shouldn’t be getting excited about you calling me. That’s what good friends do. Don’t think too much of it. It’s possible he doesn’t have feelings for you anymore. It’s been years since you dated. Etc etc.
I can’t help it. I’m trying not to expect anything to come of us, but if i’m going to be honest, I want to be with you so badly. I’m going to be spending an entire weekend with you next weekend. I am so incredibly excited to spend 3 uninterrupted days with you. I have such a conflict in my head. Reality vs fantasy. The reality of the situation is that you are an amazing friend, and amazing man actually, and I really don’t know if you have any romantic feelings for me. I could speculate that you do because of small subtle things you have said or done, but it’s really not enough evidence to suggest that you want to be with me. Fantasty is that when I come to visit you, you will proclaim your love to me and we will finally be together….. I know. It’s a giant leap. And I really don’t expect that to happen. At most we would have the conversation of saying we like each other, if that.
I wish I had the confidence and strength to be able to tell you how I actually feel about you. My head is full of things I wish I could say, but I’m so scared. I don’t want to ruin our good friendship. I don’t want to be rejected, I’m not sure if I can emotionally handle that, especially from you.
There is a huge problem though, if I don’t say something soon it might be too late. You graduate in a year, and plan on going into the peace corps for a few years, and then law school for four years. I don’t even know where you will be or if i’ll even be able to talk to you. That makes me so so sad. I want you to have an amazing experience, but the selfish part of me wants you to just stick around so we can be together. Honestly though, If you’d be willing I would for sure do a long distance relationship with you. Fuck it. I love you so much I don’t care if you are in another county. Just as long as I am yours I would be happy.
As for me, I graduate in two years and am seriously considering moving to Arizona. I can tell you for a fact though, you are the only person I would stay for. Just say the word and I won’t go.
I am a coward. I know we need to have this conversation. I know I need to tell you how I feel because otherwise I’ll spend years of my life wondering what if. I know that even if you reject me it will be good in the long run because then I can finally move on. I know that if you say you love me we could have an amazing life together. I know that you are one of the only people I feel like I truely connect with. You inspire me. You are incredible. I just want you to be happy. Sometimes I wish you would just see right through me, or hell even this letter, because then the words I haven’t said inside my head would finally go away.