• It’s always your favorite sins that do you in

    by  • July 8, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Closure • 0 Comments

    I’ve restarted this letter about 5 times now, but I think I’ve finally got it. I’ve known you for a whole year now. The first time I came across your profile in the accepted students group, I never thought twice about it. Looking back now, I don’t think I would have guessed that the things that happened between us, would have. You came into my life with no warning and left just the same. The hell I went through, I’d do it again, because I loved you. There is not a day that your face doesn’t cross my mind.

    I remember meeting you that first day of school, and quite frankly thinking you were boring, but I still had this gut feeling that this wouldn’t be over anytime soon. I remember while I was in summer college and you were at football camp and asked me what I was doing that night, and I said looking for the meteor shower, and you said you love things like that, that’s when I knew you’d be something to remember. There are many nights of that first semester of college I love to remember, and a lot I’d love to forget. My favorite memory of you and I though was during Homecoming weekend. You came up out of nowhere and kissed me. I was wearing this black dress that I know was driving you absolutely crazy, you might have told me twenty times. You texted me to come to this party and when I walked up I saw you smiling and I knew it was real. You took my hand and we walked down alumni way, the night was perfect. It ended with us in front of our dorm and the band was packing up for the night but they still had light music playing, and there were still lights hung, and we slow danced in the middle of the street, you kissed me, and said “I’ll never forget this”

    We had a lot of good nights, but a lot of bad nights. Then one day you decided you were going to leave. I remember the night you told me you were thinking about it, we had just come down from a big fight a few days before. I remember sitting on your futon drunkenly rambling, and you smiling, that’s when I knew you loved me. The next month flew by, and we had one more big fight, but a lot of nights I know we both won’t forget, then that december day came where you had to leave. That airport goodbye was the saddest thing I’ve ever experienced with a boy. As I watched you walk away I knew things would never be the same. And when I read the letter you wrote me, that you put in my pocket, I started crying, alone, in the airport.

    I hope you know that I really did love you. And despite what everyone else says, I know you loved me too. But you loved me in a really fucked up way. I never want to fight with someone the way I did with you. I never want to feel guilty like that. I never want to have to constantly worry like that again. I want you to know you’re looking for something in life you’re never going to find if you don’t stop running. You don’t stay in one place very long. You tear people apart, and one day that is going to catch up with you.

    I guess, I’m writing this to say, that I’ve learned from you. Seven months ago when you left, I thought my world was crashing down. You left here, and I had to deal with all the questions, with all the people, with everything. I’ve learned long distance does not work, especially when two people’s lives are so different. Those first two months you were gone all I wanted to do was cry, everything reminded me of you. But then as time went on and I stopped hanging with our old friends and made new ones. I started finding myself again. I was happy without you. You taught me that you can love someone and be completely wrong for them. And just because you love someone doesn’t mean they are going to stay around. You were never really mine, but I know we had something special, and I don’t think I’ll ever find something like that with anyone else. I can’t describe what we had, but it wasn’t just an ordinary thing.

    I know you have your new life down there in the south, and I hope it’s treating you well. I know sooner or later you’ll find a new girl, and that might just kill me, but it’s life. I wish we could of kept in touch like we promised each other, but I don’t think you’re that kind of person. I hope that there is a part of you that regrets leaving, and I really hope that I cross your mind. I hope whenever you hear ‘sunny and cher’ you think of me, or whenever fast cars & freedom plays on the radio. I hope you remember all of our good times together. We could both make each other laugh like no other, we were strange kids sometimes, but I loved it, and I hope you remember our bad times and don’t put someone through that again.

    I really hope that one day, I find someone to love me, to really love me. To embrace it completely and not change their mind every other day. I don’t want to fight again with someone like I did with you. You were so scared to give yourself away completely to me and that hurt. I hope I find someone who can do that, and sometimes I think I have.

    There’s so many things I want to say, but I need to end this letter. I loved you, and a part of me always will. I know there is a reason our roads met, and parted from each other. If you ever listen to the song ‘you and tequila’ by kenny Chesney, I think you will agree it sums it up. But in order for me to move on, and find what I’m looking for, I need to let you go, and this letter is my form of goodbye.

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