• I’m Scared

    by  • July 8, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Addiction, Family Stuff • 0 Comments

    My Mom has been smoking since she was at least 18 years old, she’s 37 now. It’s been nearly 20 years since she first started and she has not laid down the habit for more than 3 months and this terrifies me. The other day she was laughing at something I said and there was a raspiness behind it. There was a sound that killed any happiness I currently possessed. I am 19 years old and enrolled in college. I realize my life is moving on and my mother’s role will change over the next few years; however, she will always be my mother, my best friend. How does someone go on without their mom? I genuinely have no idea.

    Growing up I came from a broken family and my mom was all I’ve ever had. I didn’t meet my dad until I was 9 years old and since I was 15 we’ve barely spoken at all. My mom and I had this tradition where we would hang this 6in long cardboard/paper material alligator on the christmas tree every christmas. It was the very last ornament we put on the tree, and I always got the honors. Well, I lost alligator my junior year of high school when I brought it to school as part of an english project. I was destroyed and so upset. It was more than a piece of paper to me, it was a symbol of my love for my mother, and her love for me. This Saturday I am getting a tattoo of alligator that way it will always be a part of me, no matter where I go. I strongly believe that is where all of my fear of losing my mom is coming from. That in some way if I have a permanent reminder of her with me, she’ll disappear.

    God please give me time, give my mother help, give her strength to stop her habit, please let me and my brothers be greater than the desire of a cigarette, please let life fill the space where her craving is, please just let me keep her she’s all I’ve ever had.

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