Soooo…we have know each other for years now, right? Since 10th grade? And it took me how many dumb and selfish guys to realise that I can’t sell myself short with them anymore? Alot, and I knew you were shaking your head every time you would hear about me dating another one. You always had my best intrests at heart, even way back in highschool. I knew you had liked me even back then, and you hinted at it but I always shut you down, put you in the friend category. I was shallow and mean and 17.
Now, only now, at the possible WORST timing for us to be together…I fall in love with you. It came out of nowhere I think. You kept coming up to visit your cousin and your friends at my college, and we would always hangout the entire weekend. Spring semester was the turning point for sure. I knew you were joining the Marines, and was kinda not caring to tell you the truth. I mean of course I was concerned for you as a friend, but I didn’t really think about it too much. Then the last time you came to visit, it just totally clicked. We were sitting on the couch together at Dan’s apartment, and you put your head on my lap and were totally relaxed. Right then I realised that “wouldn’t it be perfect if I could just be holding his hand right now and not think a thing of it?” So the whole night I was wondering whether anything was ever going to come of this feeling. I felt guilty thinking of you like this because I know Sam had had feelings for you back in the day and I didn’t want to betray her. But quite honestly, people had been telling me for years that we would end up together, and I think in the back of my mind I knew it was true. So I kept my new feelings to myself, and you left to go back home.
But wait! New develompents were arising! Ever since that weekend, you started texting me every day, and I loved it. I wasn’t sure where you were going with this, but I didn’t care. I tried to hide it from our friends because they would flip. But the texts kept coming, and let me just say, you are the funniest texter…ever. This went down for about two weeks, and then I planned on coming home for Easter. I missed your going away party for bootcamp that your mom threw you (that you didn’t want to go to) while I was at the lake house. You talked to me on the phone for three hours that night, to keep me companty on the long drive so I wouldn’t get bored. When I came back 2 days later, we made plans to hangout before you left for bootcamp the following week. The whole weekend before we were supposed to meet up I was mentally preparing myself to tell you how I felt. When I got home we decided to watch our mutually favorite tv shows, about awesome vicious creatures (and I am so happy you love the same shows I do, because I don’t easliy give up the remote. Then I dragged you to see Rio…imagine, a future Marine, watching a movie about singing birds meant for children 10 and under, just to make me happy. We went to dinner at PF Changs, I learned that you hate vegatables, yes even lettuce (wimp). And then played around in the fishing and gun area of Dicks. I dropped you off at your house and the whole time was screaming internally “JUST TELL HIM! JUST DO IT YOU COWARDLY BITCH”..but when it came to crunch time, and you were getting out of the car, I just said “ok see ya later”…lame I know.
The next day we had made plans to go fishing. I had a job interview and you had to workout so we met up around noon, exaclty the worst time to fish ever, the dead middle of the time between their breakfast and their dinner. We had fun anyways, of course, because we always have fun. I saw a manatee in the intercoastal and was so proud to spot it first. I tangled my fising line irreversibly within 10 minutes, and you patiently fixed it for the next half hour while you let me take your pole and have fun. We of course didn’t even get a bite, so we changed locations. The little bridge by your house, where we found that HUGE dead fish by the rocks, and after we realised we didn’t have a prayer at catching anything alive, we just played with the dead fish like we were little 6 year old boys. I later made you catch me a hermit crab, and we fed him all the leftover shrimp that we brought along as bait. We sat and talked on the bank and the whole time I was again holding back the river of things that I needed to tell you. The whole afternoon I just wanted to sit right next to you and put my head on your shoulder as you talked, so bravely, about your future in the Corps. You were nonchalant, but I was terrified. Terrified that I wouldn’t have the guts to say what I needed to say before you left in 6 days!
We biked back to your house, and I thought it was the last chance, last time I would be seeing you for 3 months…or possibly for a year, depending if you would make time for me on your 10 days of liberty. It was a little awkward, when we were saying goodby. We put the bike away and were saying how much fun we had and all I could say was “I’m gonna miss you so much!” Then the longest hug in the existence of the world took place in your front entrance way, you were playing with my hair and I was mentally slapping myself for being so weak and not saying anything. When you finally forced me out and walked me to my car, we must have sat in the driveway for another 20 minutes just talking and avoiding the inevitable. Then as I climbed into my car and reached out for one last hug and another “I’ll miss you” you said the most adorable line. It could have been straight out of a romantic movie and I hope I never forget it. You said “How much are you gonna miss me?” I reply “Alot” with my face smooshed up against you shoulder, and then you tilted my chin up to look at you and kissed me. Everything had changed with that little action, and I could not be happier.
I jumped out of the car and wrapped my arms around you neck and had a hard time saying goodby for real. As I finally drove away 30 minutes later, I couldn’t help thinking of us in long term. And I do mean long, like, we were 35 and had our kids playing out in the backyeard in my vision. So yeah, right then, I knew you were the one I wanted to marry. After that first kiss, It sealed the deal.
As you knew, I was leaving early the next morning to go take my finals and had a three hour drive ahead of me. You kept asking me the night before when I was planning on leaving, and after I told you 5am I was under the impression you were just curious. Much to my surprise, when I pulled out of my driveway the next morning, groggy and dreading my tests, you were there to surprise me and wish me good luck! I didn’t tell you this, but that was the sweetest thing a guy has ever done for me. I didn’t want to tell you that because I was afraid that you would stop going above and beyond for me, which of course now I know you will never stop doing that. You sent me off to school with a kiss and a smile and a promise to see you in a few days. When I returned from those stressful two days, we tried to cram in as much lost time as we could…it was friday, you left for bootcamp on sunday at 9pm. So I had to share you with my friends and your family, but we squeezed in time and made it work. I will always relive those few days where I got to act out my secret agent dream and sneak around with you in front of my friends. We were badass spys, you have to admit. Those few days I had a kind of hard time adjusting to our new relationship. You seemed able to jump right in but I had to accept the changes with time.
When you had to leave for good, you came over to say goodby and we were laying on my bed for about an hour just talking and wondering what it would be like. Me secretly wondering if I would be able to last a whole summer with zero boy interaction without getting bored.
Well turns out that was no problem at all, in fact, I had no urge to even talk to other guys, and if I did it was to brag that my boyfriend was a Marine. I wrote you the entire time I was in Ireland, and then decided not to send those letters and write a more coherant letter that I sent within 5 minutes of getting back to America and pulling into my driveway at 1 in the morning, jetlag and all. When I got my first letter back from you my hands were shaking and I sprinted to my room to read it. I read it, and then reread it…and reread it…and reread it again about 10 times. Which was a trend that continued on for ever other letter I got back form you.
As our summers wore on, I began talking to your mom on facebook. She decided we should meet and get together for coffee. The group was to be her, your sister, me, and my mom. All I could do was think “I am about to meet my future mother and sister-in-law”. Premature I know but that’s how I saw it. And our families couldn’t have gotten along better. just like you and me. That’s the story of us so far. i haven’t told you that I love you yet, but I do, and I hope we will be forever. I say a little pray every night thanking God for giving you to me and I whisper “goodnight Austin, I love you”. Without fail, every night.
I just wanted you to know how much you mean to me. How much I appreciate you. How much I am awed by your genorisity, courage, patriotism, and caring. I love that you are so tall. I love that your name is Austin F. I love that I have already picked out our childrens names, and our first son is Austin James. I love that when we went fishing, we discussed how we both want houses with a big backporch on a river or lake, we will have that one day. I love that I can brag about you to my friends. I love that you write me the sweetest things. I love knowing that I am your first love. I love knowing that you are my first love. I love that we are sudo-highschool sweethearts. I love that you love fishing and hiking and guns and hunting and manly stuff like that. I love that you just stare at me sometimes when you think I can’t see. I love how you lie to me and say my legs are soft when I haven’t shaved in three days. I love that you are giving up four years of your youth to dedicated yourself selflessly to our country. I love your family. I love that we are both religious. I love that we have so much in common, from political view points, to hobbies, to our families, to our music choices. I love that you will give me anything I want and that I can feel in my bones that you have pledged your heart to me, I will keep it safe. I love that I feel totally at ease whenever I’m with you. I love that I now have my own personal bodyguard. I love that you are weird, and that you let me be weird too. I love that we will go on awesome vacations together. I love that one day I will walk down the aisle to you. I love that one day I will wear your ring. I love that you are so smart, and that we can have fun fake arguments and be witty and hilarious together. I love how strong you are.
Baby, I can’t wait for our future together. I know it will be beautiful and traditional, but magic in our own way all the same. I want to mail this to you right now, but I know I can’t do that. We have only been together for three months and you still have three weeks of bootcamp left. I WILL give this to you once you ask me to marry you, which I know is coming sometime in the future. I don’t want to scare you away yet, and let you in on the little known secret that I am obsessed with you. Surprise! You have made my little dream come true, of finding someone that is good in every way possible. You inspire me to be a better person every day, sometimes I think, what would Austin do? I have know idea if your feelings for me are as intense as mine are for you at this point, but I for one know that I want us to be forever. So, for whenever you pluck up to courage to talk to my daddy and ask him for his permission, know that I already said yes years ago. I love you.