As wise professor once taught me to write it all down, whether someone reads it or not, whethere I decide to burn it or keep it, so that’s exactly what i’ll do. This is not necessarily a letter but a record of what happened..where we went wrong. Eventhough I already know, I just need to let it out.
I remember the exact day we met after extensive talking on the phone, email, exchanging pictures, I was finally in your state to visit. I didn’t just meet you on the internet. We met through a family member who was stationed where you were. I was 18 and so were you, so young. I remember the very same smile you showed me that day. I remember your clothing. I remember your touch. I remember the glances you kept throwing me from across the room. I remember our first time, it wasn’t perfect…hell it wasn’t even planned. I left back to my state the following day. I felt as if I were leaving a piece of my soul when I left you.
Not only did I leave your state, you did too the following week. Shipped out to Canada for 6 months. Those 6 months were the most heart-wrenching couple of months. Changes occurred. Your true colors were shown, even though you were technically in the middle of the ocean. Those email, messages, and phone calls hurt me. Finding out you had slept with someone else. So I forgot about you. I met Robert. We were high school friends. I never thought we would end up dating. You came back to the states, we had it out about all the things that were brought to my attention when you were gone. We decided to try again. I hesitated very much so. All while still talking to Robert, not thinking much of it.
Months passed, and on my Xmas break…You know where I was. Back in that state to see you. Lol you even cleaned your barrack for me. You were constantly holding my hand, making me feel like I was the one for you. When we made love you whispered “I love you” to me, I lost it. Crying. It was beautiful. You just held me. In that moment, I forgave you for everything and just let myself love you. It was an amazing visit. You even asked about marriage. I was 18…I wasn’t thinking about marriage. I understood the military life but couldnt grasp the concept of leaving my life behind. We left it at that. I came home.
I came home and realized how hard you and I, if we were going to try this thing how hard it would be. I spent time with Robert. You and I continued to fight. Distance isnt an easy thing. I was afraid you were going to cheat and you were afraid I would eventually do the same. We called it off. I was completely devastated.
I spent more and more time with Robert, it was as if he provided comfort for me since you weren’t able to.
Time passed. You ended up back at my door (so to speak). Only this time I was with Robert. You hated it. We decided to just talk. I just couldnt let you back in again. You repeatedly asked why I couldnt marry you. I ended up visiting, yet again. Only this time, it wasnt so cute.
Sitting at the base about to drop you off, I saw your phone. A picture of a girl and guy kissing. It was you and someone else. I was pissed but knew I had no more room to be considering..You confessed. I left you there. Cutting you off was the hardest thing ever, maybe thats why we always ended up talking again. You had a ring, asked for marriage. Only this time. I was done. I wanted none of that. You claim I let you believe I’d end up back with you..but truth is we both knew you had alot of growing up to do. Robert became my shoulder, rock and in my darkest times was there. And though you tried to be, I knew if I let you in, I’d be hurt again.
Fast forward…we finally talked after 4 months of no speaking. I decided I was not going to be more than friends with you. And let you know id be visiting family in your state. We made plans. I saw you for one day and it was nothing big. No kissing, no hugging, no hand holding.
You pleaded with me to be with you. I couldn’t say yes…but then going back to where I was staying I contemplated leaving behind what I had to be with you. We agreed to see each other the next day, but we didnt. I left back to my state 2 days later without speaking. I come to find you had been with another girl on a Mini Vacay. I was hurt, let you know and all you could say was “why cause I have someone who is better than you will ever be?” OUCH. I never told but it was BECAUSE IF YOU WOULD’VE SEEN ME THE NEXT DAY I WOULD’VE TOLD YOU I WANTED TO BE WITH YOU and I would change everything.
Now I find that 3 wks after I left ur state. You are now married to the same girl you were on a vacay with.
My disgust is at an all time high, but I know I lost my turn…after 5 years of back and forth…we are done. Completely. Sad to think that we will never have a chance again. Theres no going back from that, I will never forgive or forget. Im thankful for the good man I have. My moment of weakness of bad thinking will never happen again.