• What’s Next?

    by  • July 6, 2011 • Fear, Thoughts • 0 Comments

    Hello Life;

    How is it going? I’m not going to beat around the bush here… I’m rather terrified of you. Fresh out of high school, ready to spread my wings and take on the world… well, sorta.

    See, i don’t have a plan. I have never been the kind of person to make plans. I prefer to just go with the flow and see where life may choose to take me. But, now i’m afraid that if I don’t fabricate a plan soon, I will be stuck as a nobody in this stupid town of nobodies. and I don’t want that.

    I know so many people that have already been accepted into university and college… yet I have only just begun looking. I finally made up my mind as to what I would like to major in, yet I have done nothing to make it become a reality besides telling everyone that I’m starting to figure out what I’m doing with my life.

    I’m so good at pretending, they don’t even realize that I’m lying right to their faces.

    yes, I want to become a counselor. That is about the extent of my planning thus far. They don’t need to know the truth. They don’t need to know that I am terrified to move away from the place I grew up in, that I don’t want to have to take responsibility for my actions and for my future.

    I do want to gain my own independence, create a life that does not involve following the directions of my parents as I have done for nearly 18 years now. But at the same time, I would love it if my mom could take my hand and guide me to where I want to go, until I am comfortable enough to let go and move on.

    But, I know that is not going to happen. I’m the last one, and I feel as though I’m her last hope. The two before me failed to make anything great out of their lives and seem to be stuck in dead end jobs with dead beat men. (well, one anyways.) The pressure to become a success is beginning to weigh down on my shoulders, and pretty soon, i’m going to keel over and be unable to pick myself back up.

    So, life… could you please slow the hell down for a few minutes… and by minutes, I mean months, maybe years.

    i need a chance to breathe; to find out who i am.

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