You’ve hurt me more than you’ll ever know! It might have only been a few times that we spent together when we first started but, I can honestly say that I have never felt so close to someone so quickly! It all seemed so perfect, apart from your divorce of course, but I was willing to bide ‘our’ time with that. I am still sure that you weren’t acting the first time round, you felt it too. You had to do surely! How could we have both been so happy and then it all go so wrong? Nobody can act that well. What changed?
What changed? I need to know even if it cuts me up! Yeah I’m desperate…. So desperate that I’ll even give you access to the ideas that are going round in my head:
I was too demanding of your time
I did something to make you dislike me
You just realised that you didn’t want to have to fit me into your life
I’m basically just not worth the hassle/risk
It’s not you, it’s me (don’t you dare say that without giving me more)
My favourite…… It isn’t necessarily over, you just need to sort your head/life out then we can see were we’re both at! Please tell me if this isn’t the case as this is the only hope I have at the minute and I would prefer to grieve for it now if I have to rather than later.
Are you sad? Do you miss me at all? Do you wish we had never started things when we did? Maybe if we hadn’t, we could have started when things were sorted out for you and we could have made a proper go of things! That’s all I wanted, a chance. ?
I’ve deleted all your text messages, emails and face book chat but I can’t delete the conversations in my head…. When you phoned me up after a Sunday night out and said ‘you just don’t know what you do to me’, and then phoned again straight away ‘just because you can’. How am I meant to forget how those things made me feel? You said you had never felt so relaxed around someone for such a long time. What Changed?
When you went back to work and the first time you phoned you said you really just didn’t want to be there, your mind was on other things and it was such a long time since you had felt like that. It felt like you really wanted to be with me and that made me the happiest person alive. What Changed?
We even went as far as to make plans, we were going to go to the races remember, Christ we were going to get up to allsorts. And at the BBQ….. I remember that we were wondering how we were going to get away with it. You said after a few drinks you would probably forget and end up putting your arm round me. That people would pick up on things because of the way we would look at each other! I wish it would have been as hard to pretend as we though it was going to be. What changed?
I know I was a mess this last weekend, but I’m not letting you have that as the excuse for changing your mind about us. I was a mess because I already knew what was coming. You don’t know how many times over the last couple of weeks you were away that I was expecting you to call it all off. I don’t know why, the emails and conversations became strained, like you didn’t really want to have to bother! I didn’t understand but didn’t feel that I could ask. That by asking I would be sealing my own fate!
I hoped that once you got home things would be back to how they were. I know there were a lot of complications this time round that made it doubly difficult for us to see each other but I still somehow felt that underneath it all, you didn’t want to have to make the effort. Especially as before you went to work, you were planning on seeing me at the first opportunity… What changed?
As soon as we did see each other, I knew within 10 minutes that it was over for us. I wanted you to throw your arms around me and hug the breath out of me. We just had a peck on the lips…. Where was the passion? Oh I know you didn’t know how I was feeling so I know the blame has to go 50/50, I needed just a little reassurance that we were ok and my fire would have been in full flame again. Instead, it felt like you could barely look at me. What Changed?
All that day and the next, I was just searching for some reassurance but found none. I loved walking through the woods with you, holding hands and almost feeling good again, but let’s face it; if it had been like last time we would have been stopping for passionate kisses and such like all the way round. The walk could have easily taken us 2 ½ hours instead of 1 ½. But then, when we were back at camp, you were in no rush to set off for the BBQ were you? I tried to take this as a good sign but realise it was more likely because you were feeling lethargic from the wine the night before?!
I have to wonder, would you have brought it up if I hadn’t? Would you have just kept pushing me away (that’s how it felt) until I cracked? I wish you’d talked to me. I wish I’d talked to you. I wish we’d had some sort of conversation about our feelings before you left. I sat there and tried to pretend (all be it not very well) that everything was fine. I’ve invited you to stay in the spare room next time you’re over here, but I’m not sure you will…. If you don’t want to be around me then please don’t let me think that you do.
I remember you mentioned something about moving away, I can’t remember if it was before or after our ‘conversation’ but I do remember trying not to hear it…. It tore my heart out! If we can never have a second chance then I’m sorry, but I’m not sure I can do friends! That might sound ridiculous to you, and maybe in time that will change but for now, I just can’t. When you meet someone else, I’d rather not know about it, I guess that’s going to have to be my problem as I’m sure my family will know and I know they will be over the moon for you!
As for what the family will think….. I’ll tell them I made a drunken pass at you and now things are awkward between us. That will account for everything I think. Nobody will know anything else and I’ll just keep a low profile when you’re around.
I don’t know what else to say… I don’t feel like I have the right to all these feelings after the short time we spent together. But who has control hey? Maybe I should have warned you that I fall hard and I fall fast, and when something felt as right as we did then I don’t think I can be held solely to blame for that.
I miss you S, I will miss you for a long time. I’m sorry for whatever I need to be sorry for and I really hope you have the happy life you deserve. But if I’m not to be part of it, then I’m sorry but, I’d rather not know about it ?
I could have so easily loved you…… Goodbye x x x