Wednesday July 6th, 2011
First, I know this is long, but everything below had to be said and I didn’t know how to shorten it any more than it has been. So stick with it and I hope you like what you find.
I know what you said from the very beginning, “we only have a month left until summer”,” but it didn’t matter. I was stuck. Stuck off the side of a cliff that I fell off of when i first saw you. I didn’t care about timing, I didn’t care about anything that was prior to seeing you. I only cared about you. When you said that there was only a month left, you were putting a countdown on the amount of time that we had together, a countdown that never seemed to exist.
It didn’t exist because you continued to change it. Nothing was set in stone. It never was, and never would be. A week before summer vacation, you were stressing and didn’t have time for me. So you said, “I’m just not treating you fairly. you deserve better and right now, I just can’t give it to you so we need to break up.” But you didn’t realize, it didn’t matter to me. You’re thought of not giving me what I deserved was on the opposite end of the spectrum because I didn’t need anything more than to know that I your hand to hold. Your eyes to gaze into. And your smile to comfort me. What you didn’t know was that you had absolutely nothing more to do. Having you near me, it was all I needed.
However, something inside you must have changed, you must have felt something new. Because that day when you took my keys and made me chase you outside in the pouring rain. We stood there, soaking wet, for hours. And said nothing. You danced around in your navy knit sweater (which you weren’t supposed to get wet) and kept saying how much you loved the rain. Meanwhile, I stood partially under a cover and watched you. You were so graceful, even though you were at your craziest. Nothing was better than that moment.
Later that night, I walked you to the accent light scattered throughout the open field and you told me that you didn’t think it was going to turn out to be like it was. Then you said the words, “I don’t want to lose you yet, and I think that five more days is better than none at all.” We were on the same page. The countdown had changed again. Back to its original state.
But, when the final days of school approached all I thought was, “Am I actually going to be able to just stop everything that is going on?” And i couldn’t. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to and it was reinforced when we said our goodbye. You don’t know this but I almost didn’t tell you that I was leaving. I was just going to leave you. Without a word. But our friend, Ryan, made me, and so I did. I’m just not good at goodbyes. I never was and never will be. But, when I gave you that final kiss goodbye. I didn’t want to let you out of my arms. I wanted to stay in that moment forever. Because there, I never felt more alive. I had never felt more me.
So with that, we went into summer, and all I thought about was you. I never knew I could or would be capable of getting so attached to someone. We talked everyday and night. Here is when I realized that whoever said, “The person you think about while laying in your bed before falling asleep every night is truly the one you love,” was 100% right. And I thought about you all night every night. So we eventually talked and you changed your mind and we gave it a try, long distance.
But soon, everything began to fall apart I made some stupid decisions that I regret doing, and the consequences were detrimental. I lost you. You’re gone. Despite the original countdown being extended a month or so, we ended up at the same point. Separated.
So now, I’ve been thinking about everything we went through. Every single hiccup in our past relationship. And you have wanted me to answer a few things but I never did. Well here are my responses.
When you asked what I thought about everything you said I had to work on, you were right. I didn’t know what kind of boyfriend I wanted to be. I had no clue why I couldn’t open up to you. I had no reason to lie about anything. It didn’t matter that most of my lies were only as big as me telling you that I had gone skinny dipping when I hadn’t. I guess i can answer all these now.
I couldn’t open up to you because I didn’t want to put my burden on you. You didn’t need to hear that I hated being around my family because they aren’t seeing eye to eye on my future. And you didn’t need to hear that there was another girl who was in love with me who I was trying to deal with. And you definitely did not need to know that I was terrified for next year because of the thought of losing you. Whether it was mid year or at my graduation. We didn’t need to be worrying about any of that. I was trying to be strong. Trying to hide my vulnerability. However, everyone knows no one is invincible. Everyone has their issues and they need to talk about them. Especially with the people they care about the most since, after all, if they care about you as much as you care for them, they will still be there, right next to you when you are finished saying all you need to say.
When it comes to my lying to you I have no excuses. It is unacceptable and had to stop. It has, because, like I said, I knew already that I would need to overcome not telling the truth to the ones I cared about because if I didn’t then nobody would ever know the real me. Trust me, he’s a hell of a guy.
Lastly, what I believe to be the most important inquiry of yours; what kind of boyfriend I want to be. I think I’ve finally figure this one out. I want to be the boyfriend who can be there for his girlfriend whenever she beckons. I want to be the one who will always praise the one he cares for because deep down he knows that she is the best thing that he could ever fathom. I want to be the guy who stands up for his girl, not because it is expected, but because it is the right thing to do and because he knows that she is his and only his. I want to be the boyfriend who shows how much his girlfriend is worth to him every second of every day because he is the one who doesn’t care about his reputation with other people since truly if he gets to hold his girl in his arms at the end of the day, he knows he is doing everything right. However, along with all of this, I want to be the boyfriend who can be relied on to back off sometimes when his girlfriend needs time to herself to figure things out, but when she does this, she only finds that he is what she needs to get through whatever is troubling her. I want to be the one who is always wanted close, and the one who is never let go.
But mostly Mara, at this very instant, I only want to be the boyfriend who has YOU to hold close, and YOU to go to for anything, and who has YOUR eyes to gaze into. Because at the end of the day, if that were the case, I would know that you also knew I was the one you could depend on for any and every thing.
With Everything I Have to Offer,