• I Want To Live

    by  • July 6, 2011 • Goodbye • 0 Comments

    Dear Mom and Dad- You want the dishes done, and I want my GED. You want the house cleaned, and I want my licence. You want the dogs fed, and I want my transportation. You want my medication, and I want my job. You want to guilt me, and I want to live. You want my help, and I want my life. You want things off your shoulders, and I want to help. Huh. How equal is this? You think these day to day things are no big deal, I think my everyday is alot less than it should be. I try to play it off like its no big deal, like its not anyones fault, but its because I keep trusting you to come through the way you promise. I understand that alot of things happen that are out of your control, and I’m not blaming you for them. This is me right now being afraid to say anything about how I feel to you or dad because dad is pissed about the dishes, and will in turn belittle the way I feel to simply me being a spoiled little bitch who doesn’t do jack around the house. Which is crap. This is me hating my life in which I can’t do anything for fun, or even if I NEED something unless I’m depending on someone else for almost every aspect of it, in which I get made promise after promise after damn promise and the only ones that go through are the ones that don’t take too much time or work, and half of the promises that don’t still don’t get kept. This is me not being heard half the damn time when I KNOW I’ve said something, sometimes multiple times a day, because when I talk, somehow everything else suddenly gets so damn important, and then when I say something else, I’m made to look like a bitch because I want to be HEARD. This is me always feeling like skum when I ask for something because it already seems to be too much to ask to have what I’m supposed to have already, or YEARS ago. This is me hating myself because I always feel like a failure because nothing is good enough. This is me feeling like I’m never good enough because I climbed halfway up and down a WATERFALL yesterday, and all I get is ‘What if you had gotten hurt??’ untill I start talking about the beauty of nature and bloodlines and then its, ‘yes it’s amazing, ect.’, and then Bobby sees what he thinks is trash on the ground, remembers later, and gets, ‘I’m so proud of you, your grandfather would have been proud of you!’ FUCK! What more can I do?? What more can I give up in my life to be heard, to have these promises kept, to feel like I’m WORTH SOMETHING??? I work outside for you guys, I work inside for you guys, I’m supposed to be dad’s second eyes and ears, I’m your support all day, I’m Bobby’s babysitter, I’m another source of income, I’m the one who does everything that someone else doesn’t want to, or can’t do, I’m supposed to act like a grown up, an adult, be mature and responsible, and I AM as much as I can be, but how can I be expected to be grown up, and adult, when I haven’t got half the things it takes to be one??! How am I supposed to trust anyone when promises to me are constantly being broken??! How am I supposed to trust MYSELF when I KNOW I’m right, and its insisted that I’m perfectly WRONG??! And how was I supposed to say this to you when I get faught and told that I’m wrong when I do, because of all these little everyday things, that are done for me? I’d rather have my GED than a frappe. I’d rather have that Jeep than a magazine. And I’d rather have my licence than need my sister to take me next week.
    So I’m going to MAKE you listen, and MAKE you see, just what you’ve done to me.
    And damn. You’re going to regret what you’ve done. Err, haven’t, I guess I should say, huh?
    I do love you guys, though. And somehow, I always will.

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