• Can you live with who you are?

    by  • July 6, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Abuse, Moving On • 0 Comments

    I haven’t talked to you in over two years. I hate your name and the sound of your voice. When I smell the cologne you wore, I get sick. I tried to bury the memories of what you’ve done to me and I tried to forget. It didn’t work and it is all starting to catch up to me now. I guess I can’t run away forever.

    I still have nightmares. I wake up screaming most nights and I’m still so terrified of the world. It’s not your whole fault though. Just a part of it is your fault. You see, you are not the only one who has hurt me. I have been raped before and sexually abused starting when I was just five. I have been physically abused growing up and told EVERYDAY that I was worthless and unwanted and unloved by the very person I called mom. She put me down and at a small school, I was bullied by the whole class everyday. I had no one. I was all alone and desperately needing love. You saw that and took advantage of that.

    You pretended to care and you were really nice in the beginning of our friendship but you quickly turned controlling and you were starting to scare me. I decided to meet up with you to talk about our friendship. I was going to tell you that we couldn’t continue being friends if you didn’t stop. I never got a chance to tell you anything. You were acting really weird and jumped in my car before I had a chance to get out. I asked to talk outside of my car but you refused and then held me there for hours. You wouldn’t let go and ignored my screams and eventually you took advantage of me in a horrible way even though I said no and tried to get away. You didn’t care. You have no heart.

    You were right when you said no one would ever want me. My mom and peers were right too. I don’t see my worth and no one else does either.

    But does anyone want you either? Can you live with yourself and what you have done to me? Don’t think you have won. This isn’t a competition and if it was I would have already won a long time ago. You’re the loser, not me.

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