I want to tell myself that it’ll get better. Because I know that it will. And as much as I’m shaking right now, I know I’ll get over it. There’s a whole world out there, just waiting for someone to change it. I want to be that change.
The words don’t quite reach me, but it stings. And as much as I hate this feeling, it’s the only thing that makes me feel like I am human. I want to move forward, but I don’t think it’s going to be so easy for me. It’s going to be a grinding, and burning climb, but I think I can do this, I know I can do this.
I love you. And just because this relationship has deteriorated, that feeling won’t fade away so simply. I don’t want to grasp at straws, I don’t need to. I am strong, and I am capable. But it still doesn’t change the fact that it hurts. And you know what? I’m so glad it does. I’m so glad that this relationship was meaningful, that this pain is stabbing my heart. I’m so glad that we didn’t drag it out, that we didn’t try to keep pushing it farther to its absolute limit. I guess I can’t really know that. I wish I knew how to make the hurting stop, but there’s nothing I can do. I just have to push through the pain, feel it, embrace it, and move on.
I don’t want to try to make excuses. I don’t want to ask you, “Don’t you remember how much fun we had? How happy we were?” It’s all in the past. There’s nothing more I can really do. I guess we both knew it was going to happen at this point. But it’s never a justification; at least, not for me. Rushing the inevitable is never a reason.
What am I going to do with all the stuff you gave me? Where do I go now? Well, continue on with your life. There is an infinite amount of things to do, and I don’t want to retreat into this catatonic state. I don’t want to disappear from the scenes. I don’t want to hide my face because it hurts. I hope that when you walk out that door, you hold your chin up high, stand tall, and move confidently. This is your default. You are still something, even if you feel like nothing. People would kill to see you fall. As much as everyone wants to see you at your worst, you can’t let that happen. I want to see you continue smiling. I want you to keep it together, even though you and I are both hurting.
Regardless, I hope this will be a catalyst to make me strive to be more.