• Anam Cara

    by  • July 6, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Love - Pure and Simple • 0 Comments

    J,

    When we were in high school, I didn’t think I would ever love you the way I do now. I felt like I could be happy with you, and that I could live a good life with you. If I closed my eyes and let my imagination go, I could see us being so happy together. You’d be a gentle, caring husband and father. I’d be a devoted, nurturing wife and mother. I saw it, but I just didn’t feel it. For some strange reason, I knew we’d end up together. I wouldn’t admit it to myself then, because I was interested in someone else, but I really did know we’d end up together I didn’t want to be with you, though. That sounds bad the way I said it, but let me explain. I didn’t want to be with you just because I was lonely, or because I knew we’d end up together anyways. That isn’t a good enough reason to be with someone. If I was going to be with you, then I was going to be with you because I loved you and for no other reason. I have to say, it was the weirdest sensation in high school feeling infatuation for someone else while seeing myself in a life entwined with one of my best friends.

    I had accepted that I would never be with the guy I was interested in at the time. He just didn’t see me that way. I was used to that, though. I had always been the girl that guys wanted as “just a friend.” That’s what made me feel terrible about not liking you. I was putting you in the “just a friend” where I had always been. I felt a little hypocritical. Even so, I refused to date you unless I liked you. I wasn’t going to start dating you based on sympathy or pity. I selfishly wanted to keep you as my friend, though. For that I am extremely sorry. Not sorry that we were able to stay friends, but sorry that I wanted you to stay my friend even though I knew it would hurt you. I never want to hurt you ever again.

    Since the long and dragged out failure of my parents’ marriage, I’ve been skeptical and a little afraid of love. I never wanted to fully committ myself to any one person. I guess somewhere along the line, the thought that “anybody I got close to would leave me stranded” got engraved into my brain. I’ve had an intense fear of intimacy. When I actually started to have feelings for you, I was scared. I thought that you would hurt me. I thought that there was no way we’d turn out the way I pictured us in my mind. But you with your kind eyes, contagious smile, and compassionate heart have melted away a good portion of that fear.

    I won’t lie to you and say it completely disappeared. It’s still there in the back of my mind, but it’s changed a little. I know now that you would never intentionally hurt me. Now my fears circle around a different focus. I’ve gone past the point of no return. I’ve reached a point where I’ve allowed you to get so close to me, where I’ve allowed myself to open up everything to you, that it would tear me apart to lose you now. I’m now afraid that I’ll do something to screw up our relationship so bad that you’ll feel like you can’t stay with me. I’m a little afraid that I’ll lose you to your dream job (being an archeologist) that you love so much. These fears aren’t so bad, because I know there’s always the chance that I could win you back. They don’t cause me super worry because there’s a safety rope I can grab onto where I can bring you back to me. But the worst fear I have is one that sinks its roots so deep into my mind that it touches my heart. My absolute worst fear right now is that you’ll die. I’m so unbelievably scared that I’ll lose you to death, and if that were to happen I’d never be able to bring you back to me. If that were to happen I feel like I’d die, too, because I’d never be able to see you again.

    I realize that this is a somewhat irrational fear. But no matter how much I tell myself that I shouldn’t focus on that, or that you don’t do things that would put you in that situation, or that everything is okay right now so don’t worry, I can’t seem to get that fear out of me. I don’t know what I’d do without you. I know I don’t express it nearly enough, but I love you sooo much! You’re always on my mind. I can hear people getting bored with me when every other sentence coming out of my mouth is about you. My hands don’t feel like their my hands unless they’re intertwined with yours. I can’t imagine a life without you right now. The sad thing is that I know how unhealthy that sounds. I’m not saying that I could never live without you. I probably could (if you call that living). But I don’t WANT a life without you. I don’t even want to imagine that kind of life.

    I’m too much of a chicken to ever say all of this to you, even if I knew you felt the same way. I want to be strong for you. You deserve a strong woman, not a weak one who cries all the time and needs you to hold her hand. I don’t want to be a weak woman, even though I feel like one a lot on the inside. I don’t want you to see me when I’m weak. I don’t want to ever put you in that position. I want you to know that I can stand on my own when you’re not around. Maybe that’s still my little fear of intimacy showing. Or maybe it’s me not wanting you to hold back on travelling the world without me as an archeologist. Maybe it’s me just being a stubborn girl still trying to prove to any guy that she can handle the hard stuff on her own (even when she can’t). Maybe it’s a little bit of all of those things, or none of that at all. I wish I could say for sure. The only important truth that I know is that I love you and I never want to lose you. You are my “soul friend” which is why I call you my “anam cara.”

    I love you!
    <3 S

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