I did not find it appropriate to say this through text and you are gone so I cannot say it in person. I cannot let us end the way we did; we need something more fashionable.
None of this is intended to win you back or change your mind about anything or make you feel guilty. Nothing of that nature. These are simply the words I had planned to tell you when we said goodbye, but we did not get that chance. Not the one I imagined. Forgive me if you find it to be dramatic, I had a wonderful teacher. You said I was the strong one and you were correct. I am our strength and always have been. I had a moment of weakness and am disgusted when I think about it. You have grown and become just as strong as I. I only wish to let you into my head and into my heart to feel where my words come from and experience the passion that lives inside me.
Everything has changed even though neither of us has the will to admit it. I have no idea who I am right now. Whoever this person is that has inhabited my body is unacceptable and foreign. I have become some monster full of anger and explosive outbursts. This is not me; not me at all. We both know that. When I watched you leave, I realized that you do not care enough about me for me to put myself through this. How I became this person, I know not. All I know is that I need to fix me. You need to fix you. I know no matter the amount of apologizing I do or the grandiosity of the apologies, the things that I have done are irreversible and I take responsibility for their effects. I know from the depths of my being that, no matter the image portrayed, they were fueled by my heart and were an expression of my fight for you. You said that we would always be a part of each other, but I don’t know if that is true. I have watched us fall apart and then repair the cracks time and time again. It’s a vicious cycle that we go through and it has always been worth it to me because I care for you immensely. I think, maybe, the cracks are incapable of repair this time. I hope time and distance prove me wrong.
We have been put through hell and back and somewhere along the way we both lost ourselves. We completely switched roles and I never thought that would happen. You instilled life in me as we grew together and I have never felt more alive than when we had each other. As we fell deeper and deeper into what we had and as our love grew larger than anything either of us ever thought possible, I found solace in your eyes. They have always been the one thing that can calm me with one look, in one heart beat. I have always known your love through your eyes and I have always seen the life in them when you swore it didn’t exist. Now, your eyes are empty. They are void of life and I stay up at night wishing for them to glow again.
I walked around that apartment the day you left and with every room I entered it was as if I was watching us fall in love all over again. Every kiss, every fight, every round of raw sex and passionate love-making; it was all just as vivid as in the moment it happened. Finally, after I had wandered every room, I found myself back in the living room and then I found myself sitting in the middle of that floor. When I opened my eyes, I saw the first night I ever stepped foot in that apartment. That night we talked flawlessly and effortlessly with raw emotion I have never felt with another. We talked until the sun peaked over the side of the mountain. I never told you, but the only reason I left that morning was quite simply because I had to pee and I thought it would be weird to ask to use your restroom. Seriously. I sometimes wonder about what would have happened had I stayed, but wondering about the past is a waste of time and only reopens the scars that time has produced in the healing.
I didn’t shed a single tear when I was there because that has always been your place for that. Sometimes I felt like you were the only one allowed to cry in there and that my tears would taint the magic that was our place- our home. We built a family there that we knew wasn’t real, but it was ours. We lived a life wrapped in so many layers that outsiders will never unravel, despite their bravest attempts. When I walked into your office that first day so many months ago, you became my world, and have remained as much every day since. Had someone told me on day one that we would end up here, I still would have taken your hand in mine and asked you to create this life with me. Our life and our family will forever be superior to any other we may encounter; this is solid truth.
But where do we go from here? I ask myself that every day. I think if I listen to enough songs or if I read enough philosophical novels or spend enough time in silence that the answers will come to me. Deep down I know they won’t because nothing has ever been that simple for us and finding our solid ground certainly will not be the exception. One day all the steps we have taken in all these different directions will come full circle and the answer to every question we have ever had will be revealed. One day we will fix the world, but first we have to fix our own, individually. You always ask how to rise from the rubble and build yourself back up and I always tell you that you have to stand on your own before you can stand with someone else. If I know nothing in this world, that is the exception. I believe in you, Ashley. I believe in you more so than any other being. When your heart beats I feel it in mine and it reminds me that you are the most precious thing in my life. I know that even in this disaster of a life that we both lead, there is a light at the end and we both have to keep reaching. We have to keep fighting, if not for each other, then for ourselves.
As I watched you drive from the circle, it was a scene taken from a movie and it felt foreign because we have never known movie scenes; it has never been our style. These may be the last words I ever give to you and if they are, I feel secure in knowing I said the things that matter and the things I want you to hold in your heart forever. I have no doubt that you will find what you are looking for and you will become something unlike anything this world has seen previously. They always say the only place to go from here is up, well, you have a prodigious advantage over the rest of the world on the starting blocks. I am proud of you for making the decision to find yourself and words cannot do justice how proud I will be of you when you get to where you are going. I will think about you everyday until my forever ends. Good luck, Ashley. Good luck.
Bunches of oats,