• It Always Seems To Be Me

    by  • July 5, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 0 Comments

    This is going to be one of the more horrendously pessimistic things I have ever said.

    There’s been one thing in common with all of the failed relationships I’ve had. Every girl has told me that I’m a great guy, and that they still want to be friends. It’s turned out to be a lie. They never meant it, I’m not friends with any of them, so what does that say?

    To me that just says I’m not a good person, and that the reason these relationships have failed is me. I’ve never seen myself as a bad person, I try to be accomodating without being a doormat, I try to be respectful and do what I think is right as much as I can, but it doesn’t seem to matter. All that has come of it is loneliness. The ‘friend zone’ when I’ve made it clear I wanted more. But it’s never a true friendship. They don’t call, or want to hang out, or talk or anything. Again, the common problem is me.

    My life has been so fucked up for the past 2 years, and I told you because I thought you’d understand a little bit. That you were the kind of person that would try and help in a way that a counselor never could. Instead you decided to stop seeing me. You’re too busy, or so you said. All I wanted was some comfort, I didn’t want to talk it to death, or dwell on it, or bring you down with the details of any of it. I just wanted you to know what had happened, so that if I called you wanting a hug because I was having a really bad day, you’d know why, and you might know what to say.

    Lesson learned I guess. I’ll keep all this to myself the next time I’m dating someone. If there is a next time.

    I miss you. I wanted things to work out. Maybe you’re different from the rest, and when you told me that we should still be friends you meant it. That when you said if there was a point when you weren’t so busy we could try again. I don’t hold out much hope, but there’s still some. Some small fleeting chance that you didn’t lie, that the problem this time isn’t me.

    In the meantime I’ll keep trying to find whatever it is about myself that’s caused all of this shit to happen. I’ll try and fix it, fix myself, be a better person. Whatever that means. I wish you well, wherever life may lead.

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