• You’re my confusion

    by  • July 4, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Letting Go • 0 Comments

    It’s been about two and a half years since I have been talking to you. We have had our ups and downs. I love our ups, and I hate our downs. But when I am down, and you are not there with me, I become scared, because you make me feel safe. Without you I feel I am not capable of anything, because you make me complete. You make me want to be an extraordinary person. I know at a time like this you don’t want to hear any of the words that come out of my mouth for fear that it is a lie. Ive done a lot of crappy things, but I always feel like i have to find ‘the one’. And nobody is ever good enough to take that spot in my mind. I look for all of the wrong things. I look for someone who is fun, I look for someone who is me, I look for someone who lets me do what i want. The only moment I ever know that I was completely wrong is when I look up at someone in my face who is not you. And it all hits me and drags me back to the first night at your house when you asked me out. Maybe not immediately, but know there is a point. Last night I had tears streaming down my face as I slept with the person that everyone feels and continuously convinces me that i am in love with. And he never even knew. My friends don’t like you because of your honesty. I feel like it is a cycle that will keep occurring, and that i will kill us like I already have. I’m afraid to choose one person and forget why I even loved them. I’m afraid to wake up to someone every day and treat them with the absence of love that my mother gives my father. The person who I am really meant to be with is someone who will set me straight when i wander from this path. You may not believe that I love you anymore. I do. I will always, and I know that’s hard to convince someone of when your scared to ever go into a relationship ever again. Right when i start my search again I always feel i am searching for something that is right in front of my face. It is July 4th and there is no you to celebrate it with. There is only shame, guilt, and hopelessness in my heart.

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