• I love you…but

    by  • July 4, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Confession • 1 Comment

    It kills me inside to know that no matter how hard I try, I can’t look the way you want me to look. You say that I’m pretty and that I’m not fat, but never do you look at me the way you look at those “skinny girls”. Never do you tell me that I’m hot or sexy and I know lots of girls want a guy that doesn’t call her that, but I do. I have been cheated on before, and I fear that again. I worry that if I’m not hot or sexy, you will lose interest and cheat on me too. I worry that because I’m the only girl you have ever dated, you will follow your instincts and find the desire to mate with more than one person; and that if I let go of myself, you will let go of me. We have history. We dated, broke up, became friends with benefits, and now we are back together and I’m more in love with you than ever, and that’s why I work out every day. That’s why I eat less than 500 calories a day. Your jokes about fat people who aren’t fat at all worry me. When I see a girl who is average, about my size, not fat, not skinny, and you say “ewwwww you could light a fire between her thighs” I starve myself all over again. I say that she is as big as I am and you say “if you were that big we would break up”, as a joke but it kills me, because I’m afraid there may be some hidden truth. I asked you how I looked when we were just friends and what you would change about me, and you respond with “not much, just do a shit ton of crunches.” Great. I get that I don’t have the flattest tummy in the world, that I’m no super model, but I try and I work and you don’t seem to notice anything. I feel frustrated when I constantly tell you that it makes me uneasy when you mention how hot girls are in front of me, but you don’t seem to listen and every girl prettier than me that walks by, I watch your head follow her. You kill me inside because I know I can’t achieve what you want deep down inside, a skinny girl.

    One Response to I love you…but

    1. June
      July 17, 2011 at 4:06 pm

      You are beautiful. Perfection. Do not think any less of yourself. Chin up and head high. It broke my heart to read this. So again, your beautiful.

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