• Abyss.

    by  • July 4, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Abuse • 0 Comments

    I will never understand how you got with away with it.

    You are disgusting.

    I couldn’t talk about it at first, it took me weeks, months before the crying ended and the words began.

    You destroyed a part of me which i can never regain. You took away my innocence, my power, my soul. You crushed me and tortured me until i was ready to die because of the shame. And you managed to get away with it.

    You followed me around the club that night, the night of my 18th birthday, my first night out. You kept trying to dance but i wouldn’t have it, i found you repulsive and i loved my boyfriend.

    but you found a way and soon enough i was drugged and dragged back to your flat where the torture began.

    words can never describe the sheer emotional pain you put me through that night. i tried to be somewhere else in my mind, i always remember that quote from the film The Butterfly Effect, ‘when they come for you, go some place else in your head’ but i couldn’t escape from you. you were on me and i was so weak, so powerless, i tried to scream but it came out as a faint cry.

    eventually of course i gave up trying and succumbed to my slow death.

    thrown out of the flat in the early hours of the morning i can’t even remember what happened after.

    but i remember the weeks and months of tears, of feeling utterly terrified to leave my house, to go to college, to be myself.

    but you destroyed more than my life that night, you destroyed my family’s life, my boyfriend’s.

    we had been so perfect, i loved him so much. Suddenly i couldn’t be near him, i couldn’t let him hold me without feeling a blinding fear and rage. he tried to understand for so fucking long! he tried to be there, to shelter me and hold me from a distance, he waited and waited and waited for me to begin to heal. but when i didn’t he couldn’t think of anything to do but to leave.

    i desperatley wanted to get better but your horror still haunted me and it still haunts me now.

    anger will never describe the feelings i have for you. there are no words, no description that can depict the exact compassionate hate i have for you.

    i will never understand or forgive you for this. i know it makes me the weaker person for not being able to get past this, for letting it ruin my life. but i can’t see a way out.

    sometimes i think i can see the light, sometimes i have glimpses of my old happiness that burst through into my misery like rays of hope. but then they fade and i’m left drowning in this abyss.

    i hope that one day things will change and i will recover. that my family won’t look at me with eyes drenched in pity. that i won’t be scared of my own shadow. i hope that one day that my perfect boyfriend will come back to me.

    i hope that one day, you’ll be the loser.

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