It’s been a while.
It’s always a while, I guess.
I know I’m just a sixteen-almost-seventeen year old girl and that in a couple years, you will probably forget about me and maybe I, you. But just hear me out, V.
I’m just gonna jump right into it: I can never, ever stop thinking about you. But it’s not, like, obsessive. More like…i don’t know, like you’re always in the back of my mind.
Okay, I guess that is a little obsessive. But honestly, what do you expect? I’ve liked/loved you for three years (yeah, I lied. It was more) and it’s like the thought of you, who you are, is threaded deep in me, in my bones. I’ve known you for so long, how is it possible for you to leave my thoughts?
We never kissed, went out, nothing.
So WHY CAN’T I STOP THINKING ABOUT YOU?
It’s you. Your laugh. Your eyes- I love your eyes. They are so dark. Your hands, the way they are always moving. Your skin, how when we put our arms next to eachother, they are so different.
Is that the reason you changed your mind about me?
You said you liked me. You did. I know you did. I wrote it down. Even when I think about it, I still get that feeling in my stomach, like I did then. It feels like I’m riding a roller coaster.
I remember your face when you told me.
I just remember everything about us.
That time I accidentally brushed my skin against yours and you quietly said how warm my skin is. I’ve had several guys say that but from you, it just stuck.
They time on the bus in the dark, when you sat the aisle across from me. I still remember how the light would flash across your face.
The way you would look at me, kinda searching my face. I felt like…i don’t know, like you saw me. Really saw me.
I can’t even talk about your sweet, insightful emails. How you seemed actually interested. How you commented how pretty and cool I was. How your words would reverberate in my head and I felt like I was carrying a sweet secret. Everytime my inbox pinged, I felt…giddy. I’ve never felt giddy about something like an email.
I remember everything about us.
I wish there could have been an “us”.
I know you liked me.
So what happened?
What did I do? What? I want you to know I would do ANYTHING to have you. I would do anything for you. I don’t care what my friends would say. I don’t care what ANYONE would say.
So why do you?
You drive me nuts, sometimes. You really do.
I want to be with you. I do. But I can’t. Because of your stupid reasons. Who cares what your friends say? Who cares that we are from different cultures, whatever!
As we grow old, we’ll find out that peoples opinions, cultures, and other petty things like that, just fade into the background. But the thing that never blurs, that never grows misty, is how you can love another person. Love sticks around. Love stands out. Why can’t you SEE that?
Why can’t you see that? Why can’t you see that when I walk by you, I avert my eyes, partly out of shame and partly because I’m afraid if I look at you, it will just hurt more later.
I’m thinking of you.
I learned a new song the other day, did you know? I know you said that you wanted to hear me play guitar.
I heard this new song by Maroon 5 called “Never Gonna Leave This Bed”. And as I was hearing it, I inexplicably thought of you. There was a certain line that it was like it was written for us.
It went like: “You say go, it isn’t worth it and I say no, it isn’t perfect, so I stay instead, I’m never gonna leave this bed.”
Or something like that.
I know you like Maroon 5. And so do I. It’s one of the reasons that we started becoming friends, I think. It’s just a little thing, but like everything else, it stuck with me.
I know you said that you liked me and that it wouldn’t work out in the same breath. Just why you did, I’ll never know.
But I just want you to know that I’m thinking about you. I’m thinking of you. You are so special to me, that it drives me nuts how you can’t seem to see that I still care.
I wish that someday I can become close to you again. This Grand Canyon between us hurts me everytime I see you. It actually twinges my heart.
But I have hope for the future. Perhaps the reason I havent cried about our story yet is because our love always has a way of surprising us and coming back.
We have one more year of high school. Something may happen. We never know.
So…I just hope you think about me half as much as I think about you.
Because even with that, I’ll be happy.