i tried so hard.
i just wanted you to say something. to take a risk. maybe to tell me i’m special to you.
maybe to make me feel like it was worth it.
i feel like i constantly put myself out there for you and you don’t reject me, no. but you do nothing.
and that’s almost worse. it’s like indifference. i made you a cd. i spent at lest a day trying to make that perfect for you. you told me it was a nice gift. but i just felt sad. because i always wished you would make me one like you made those other girls cds. i just want a fucking cd.
and that one line that my mom repeated to me last night is just repeating itself. “your hero doesn’t want you. you hear that? he doesn’t want you.”
of course this is referring to my father. but no one seems to want me.
i gave you a blowjob today, and you just told me i shouldn’t do that after.
i guess i should feel lucky. but who are we fooling here.
you told me emily wanted you to go visit hampshire with you. you’re going to be a senior next year so colleges are a serious consideration.
but that made me realize: you’ll go off to college with emily, and you two will fall in love.
i can see it. it will be wonderful. you are both creative people.
who am i?
a insecure little nobody who looks like a boy.
so i hope your happiness continues.
and i hope my happiness can come someday too. someday soon would be nice.