• Confessions To You

    by  • July 3, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Love - Pure and Simple • 0 Comments

    I love you. I didn’t know I would love you when I met you almost three years ago. I knew that at that moment, I was in a relationship in which I wasn’t growing. I wasn’t able to be myself in the relationship. My realness, my passion for life, my vibrancy, my light was dimming because in all honesty, I was with the wrong man. I met you, and I was completely infatuated with you. I crushed on you. Circumstantial crushes are crazy. When I didn’t see you at a family gathering, my mind was on the woes of my present relationship with the man who was wrong for me, but when you were at a family gathering, my crush would come back. You became the only thing that mattered to me. We weren’t even together and you had brought my passion for life out. The passion to speak out and dance the way I wanted to. You and no other guy was able to unleash that! Finally, the guy who wasn’t right for me was out of my life and you had a girlfriend and I had started liking some other guy because I knew that you were off limits and that I probably could not get you so my thoughts went on to other guys, but when I saw you, that crush came back because you were soooo cute and sooo funny and I could feel your energy. I ended up getting into another bad relationship. I should not have started talking to that guy. It was a total rebound! Rebounds die quickly! I thought he wanted to be with me. I thought he wanted a life with me, but he didn’t. I couldn’t shine with him. He didn’t believe in what I believed in. He wasn’t interested in learning about me. He was just interested in sex, but still, he saw something in me. Through him, I was able to see that there are guys out there who are worth the time. Crazy, right? You had been showing me that all along even though you were still in a relationship. So I spend my time trying to make a relationship with this guy for 8 months. At first, I just looked at it as 8 months of my life that I wasted, but I look at it as 8 months that I learned some of the most valuable lessons ever! I finally began to see that I was unhappy and that I also couldn’t grow with him. I seen that there was a pattern that I couldn’t keep up. I slowly but surely let go of that other guy! Then…you came. Before I made my transition into letting go of this second guy, I see you going out on prom all dolled up with the one who was your current girlfriend, and I end up feeling soooo jealous because you looked so good with your half mexican, half uruguayan self with your braids looking like a sexy cholo! I had to do a double take. All I could think of was this loser that I was so-called dating at the time and how unhappy I was with him! That was at the end of may. Shortly later, in June, I see you again. Graduated from school and looking sexy. Hair cut low, facial hair gone, with your glasses on. I’m djing your bestfriend, my cousin’s graduation party and I want to show out. I want to show off. I want to get your attention. I want to know if you still have a girlfriend. I’m asking my cousin to hook me up, and I learn you have a girlfriend so I fall back…just a little bit. I’m not a home wrecker, but I want my attention. Not only from you, but from everyone in the facility. I’m very introverted, unsure of myself, but when I was around you, the passion, the fire, the confidence came out. I start dancing. I somewhat forget about you because I’m dancing with my family, having so much fun! The party ends and I made my money! I feels good! I feel accomplished. I learn later on that night that you were checking me out when I was dancing. omg I’m going crazy. My confidence is high! I don’t see again…until August, the day of my cousin’s trunk/going away party. I’m dancing, DJing again, hoping to see you, and I do! I’m all nervous but keeping it cool. I’m playing music and looking at you. My cousin dances with you, and I feel jealous. I want you. I wonder what it would be like to be your girl, but you still got a girlfriend. Why am I stuntin you so hard? I see real, and I wanna know what real feels like. I see jokes and laughter, and I wanna know what jokes and laughter feel like with a man. Oh god. It’s you. I want you. The night goes on and I’m feeling good. I confess my feelings to my cousin’s big sister. She lets you know that am anonymous girl wants you and knows how to show you good love. I’m standing next to her trying to drop hints but you say you have a girlfriend, but saying you guys are on the rocks because you’re going away to college and she’s wanting you to stay here in chicago with her. I’m feeling like getting you but I don’t want to wreck homes! I leave and say goodbye to you and my cousin. I text my cousin asking what happened and she says “he likes you, it’s just that he has a girlfriend.” so I say ok and thanks. I go home feeling pretty good about myself. My confidence is booming and I feel that energy I feel from you that makes me feel bright. I go home and get on facebook. Just chilling. Suddenly, my phone vibrates with a tone and I see that it is my cousin who is also your bestfriend. the text reads, “javier just broke up with his girlfriend and he’s bummed. can he talk to you?” I’m nervous and my heart is beating fast. I say “yea cuz but tell him to just text me for right now cuz Im nervous.” he laughs and says ok. four minutes later, I get a crazy text from you. I didn’t know what your number was at the time but I could tell by the text that it was you. we start text talking. talking about my interests, your interests, what I like. we find out that we like to write. we start writing back and forth via text message. I’m intrigued. we text from twelve am to four or five something in the morning. you tell me that i am kool as hell and i tell you the same thing and we go to sleep for the night. I feel so good and confident but scared afraid to move forward from this other loser. that was august 16th 2009. from there on we text and text and text and finally my strength is there to completely let go of this other guy and i do and i make a decision that it is you that i want, but im scared of getting into an official relationship right now cuz i don’t wanna get hurt right now and suddenly that confidence started waning when reality came that a possible relationship was near for us. i’m scared so scared of losing or hurting you. you leave off to college and im wondering will it work but you come up here to see me. we end up going out on a date. we go to the movies and im so nervous. my first real date. you were my first real first date. we go to the movies and see rob zombies 2009 version of halloween 2. it was great. our date was great. i think you wanted to kiss me, but i couldn’t kiss you. the next night we go walking with each other and we eat mcdonalds and you tell me you have a crush on me sense you were finally able to see my pretty face. i felt so good. i wondered how did it happen. it was way too soon. we have another date at my aunt’s house. we’re watching tv and we dance. god we almost really kiss that time, but we hold off. we can’t. not so soon. i like you now and you like me too. you go back to schhol for another week and you come back. we go out on another date. this time i meet a couple of your friends and we go to a party. i’m nervous because i haven’t danced with a guy at a juke party in so long. we dance on each other. i don’t know how to act around you. i began being so modest with my dancing. you’re touching me. we’re talking to each other. you ask me to turn around so I can see your face. we start looking in each other’s eyes. I’m feeling you. you’re feeling me. you look at me and ask, “you wanna kiss me, don’t you?” and I smile and say “nah.” and you say, “oh ok.” and I say, “maybe.” and you say, “where I’m from, maybe means yes.” so i start smiling and before I know it, you kiss me. not only do you kiss me, but you tongue kiss me. i’m scared but feeling so good and i ask you, “who told you to tongue kiss me?” and you’re looking confused and I say, “tongue kissing is too much right now.” you laugh it off. we kiss some more and then we go outside and drink a couple beers. you sit me on your lap and i’m feeling good. you’re holding me like i’m yours. it feels so amazing to have that feeling that action bestowed upon me. you drop me off and i feel so happy. i tell my friends. they’re happy. the next day we meet up and walk through our neighborhood. we end up kissing again and i can’t resist you. you feel so good. you make me feel so good inside. not physically, but emotionally as well. you ask me are we going out and i can’t say yes cuz i’m so scared of messing things up. you go back to school and we talk a little over the phone and you ask me if i want to come down to your school and spend the weekend. i go and promise that i wont sleep with you. we go down there and we party. we drink. i’m feeling loose. we’re making out. we’re dancing on each other. we go back to your room and make out. the next day, we end up doing it, or trying. im scared, but i feel like im grown and know that i want you monogamously so i do it but we don’t go far. we stop and just chill and make out with each other more and then the weekend is over. we date and date and date but still don’t get together yet cuz i’m scared and you’re getting restless. I’m getting scared because i don’t quite know how to open up with to you yet and show you who i really am and im extra cautious not to let what happened with the other guys happen with me and you. we finally get together in november and im happy. i finally have a real boyfriend. Now we’re together and it has been almost two years. we’ve been having our problems. We’ve fought so much. We’ve broken up. we’ve gotten back together. We’ve made love, emotionally and physically. Made mistakes and are trying to fix em. I love you. I can’t see myself with someone else. I’m sorry I didn’t open up to you when I should have, the beginning. i’m glad that you’re seeing that we don’t have to be exactly alike in order for us to be together. I’m glad you’re starting to take time out to notice things about me and learn things about me. I feel that you love me now. I feel that you’re in love with me. I want us to be together forever. I love that you love to play games. I just don’t wnat it to come between us where you’re playing it so much that it interferes with our learning process, our relationship process. I want to show you new things and I want you to show me new things. I want the sparks back and I think we r getting them back. I love you. I love the way you smell. I love the way your skin feels against mine. I love the sound of your baritone. I love how intelligent and ambitious you are. Just be ambitious about us. I’m ambitious about you. I know we both aren’t sure, but I know that we both are sure that we want to be with each other. Let me into your heart, and allow me to let you into my heart. I love you.

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