• Checklist

    by  • July 3, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Confession • 0 Comments

    Dear M,

    I finally cracked. That night you were laying across me in my room with my roommate sleeping just on the other side of the room, yeah I fell for you. I may not have realized it until two days after when you were leaving for the summer, but I know I felt it that night. I told you my secrets, my dreams, and even my weaknesses. I spilled it all. You seemed to be trying to impress me by telling me about your summer plans to work, get an amazing tan, and workout all summer. I kept telling you about how I would never date someone younger because of my checklist. When we agreed that your reward for doing my friend a favor was for me to give you a hug every time we see each other, yea…I was super excited when that was your decision. The denying hugs all the time was just me putting up my boundaries and making sure that I wouldn’t fall for you because of the last guy I fell for that didn’t follow the checklist. My checklist is my safety net because only the perfect guy would fit the checklist. And lucky for my heart – he doesn’t exist.

    But that night was when I started to let the checklist go. I wasn’t sure at first, but I thought you liked me. My friends see you and me together hanging out and say that we both flirt (a lot) and we basically act like we are together. Everyone I talk to says I should ditch the checklist and give you a chance. Those three days during finals week made my whole sophomore year complete.

    The next day you came over to our dorm while we were packing and tried so hard to help me as I shooed you away to sit down and let me do it myself. Then I sit down next to you on my bed and you lay your head on my shoulder. I couldn’t breathe. I tried sooooo hard to stick to the checklist because a whole summer apart would be hard for us both and I didn’t want to start anything that way. Damn us…why did we wait so long to hang out like this.

    The day we were all packing to leave for the summer I tried to meet up with you, not to just say good bye like I said, but to tell you I wanted to ditch the checklist and give you a chance. I really did. But your parents demanded that you leave and I didn’t get to say goodbye, not even for a quick hug. We texted almost the entire way back and I smiled the entire time. My face hurt started to hurt after a while from smiling so much.

    Summer begins….we text only a little and I was kinda bummed. When I gave the excuse of needing your advice about a stalker, yeah, I just wanted to talk to you. And everything seemed great before during and after our skype chat. During that chat I basically told you I liked you, but you being a guy I assume you didn’t catch on. After you told me when you get off of work, you basically told me to call you at that time.

    Now…you never text back. Did I do something wrong? I just don’t know what to do now. I want to delete you as a friend on facebook and your number so I can start to stop thinking about you. I don’t know what to do when we are both back on such a small campus. I don’t even know if anything is wrong. But I can’t just keep my hopes up all summer in case you were just too busy to text me back. I just don’t know what to do.

    The funny thing is all this time you were telling me you loved me, did you really mean it? Or was it just what our friendship was – Love-Hate? I finally gave in and when you said I love you, I didn’t say I hated you….I said ditto. We have talked about the L word before and I told you that I never say it to guys, even though I say it to almost every girl, because I don’t wanna hurt them, and I don’t wanna get hurt. Those boundaries again.

    Do I just ignore it all and wait until we get back? Or just completely erase you from my mind and life and move one?

    I L word you.

    J

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