well, actually i ‘could’ talk to you but you see, i feel like you’ve stopped missing me. i know i fucked up, and damnit johan i wish i could change that so much. it seems so odd though. something as simple as trust did all of this.and that lost trust has effected me. made me sad at night, made me stare at my white blank ceiling and think about the meaning of life. make me think about you actually, the way you call me sweety and the way your laugh makes my stomach feel funny. and the way you’re always here for me. no matter what. and i literally mean no matter what. and some nights i can’t fall asleep, because my stupid mind can get over the thought of what it would be like to have you sitting next to me telling me that everything’s ok. i want you to hold me tight and not let go, for like 7 hours straight. as i sit here with this damn weird feeling in my throat i can’t help but think of the truth. and that truth is that i don’t understand why time after time i lose myself and yet you’re there with a light to help me find my way out. why do you help me? johan why do you keep coming back? i’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest or most funny. i’m just an average girl. yet you’re so above average. you’re one of the most amazing guys i’ve ever talked to. you have so much to love and probably have the biggest heart in the world. you’re also the most real and truthful people i’ve ever met. yet you waste your time on me, which i don’t understand, but i’ve learnt to accept the fact that i’m the luckiest girl in the world, because i have you. and that alone is why i’m giving you time. time to be able to miss me again and to want me again and for me to grow and not take you for granted. i also want you to have fun in france. i want you to find a summer love and be able to live a little. cause you deserve it. it’s weird how i can say this yet we’re actually 6341 kilometers apart right now. odd eh? how if there were a bridge contecting us it would only take me about 5000 minutes to drive there. and how after those 5000 i could stretch up on to my toes and look into your eyes as i wrap my arms around you. i would press my face into your chest untill my nose is squished. and as i breathe in your scent i’ll realise i’m finally home. and i might actually never let go of you (just a warning) so i hope you get used to having me wrapped around you. so this will only take 5000 mins. which is such a short amount of time compared to how long i’ve waited for that moment.
so this is kind of long… sorry about that… but i guess this long essay is just me telling you how much i love you. odd, using the love word when talking about you. because it’s not the kind of love where i want to marry or make love to you. it’s the love where i respect you so much and i want to sit in the grass and watch the clouds pass by while we’re singing whatever song you want. it’s this love that would make me do absolutely anything for your laugh. it’s this kind of love where when you get into your depressed mode i want you to only talk to me and trust me with anything. so yes johan, i love you. it’s really the only word that makes sense to me. google says that love is a feeling of deep affection. and well i guess that’s how i feel about you. i don’t care if you don’t feel that way about me, because well i don’t deserve your love after ruining your trust in me. i keep re-reading that last message you sent me. and johan i will never give up on us. i truly want it. i want it so bad. as bad as i want to go online right now and copy and paste this whole thing to you. but as you always say ‘time is something we don’t need to rush’ or something like that. so i’m not rushing. i’ve tried to go this whole thing without using the ‘s’ word because, well you’re probably getting pretty sick of hearing it. but johan, i’m so sorry. so sorry for being so immature and stupid. so sorry for leaving you like this. i’ll be back soon though. probably gunna go and smoke a whole bunch of weed and daydream for the next few days. mom’s mad at me again. can’t seem to find my escape without you. but i’ll never surrender johan, i promise.
fuck, you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me