Dear Spiderman (as to me, that is still your codename)
I may never get to speak to you again. I may never see you again. And we may of only been together for a year. We were both so screwed up for that year.
All that pain, I went through, after what you did. After leaving me by email. 3 paragraphs of why you could not be with me, and asking if it is still okay to do sex things with me. You will never imagine the pain. That all I was, was something to ‘do’, or a second player on your play station. You will never know the pain. You came back, and you said sorry. And then you tried to get me back, after I asked you back 3 times, after you said you couldn’t be bothered with me, that you don’t want my heart! and that I will have to go through life and see you with someone new. I cried for a solid month. A solid month. Morning, afternoon, evening, night, throughout the night. Waking up in a state. My skin was dry and flaky were all the tears had ran. And after a month, I got up, off that damn dry floor you left me on, and I got up, and I got happy! After so long. You never understood my anxiety, and in my eyes, you couldn’t be bothered to understand. In your eyes, it was an excuse. But you don’t even know what it is like. And I found/find it so damn rude you are/were like that! How dare you judge me! But I got happy, and I was forgetting you and that damn pain. And someone, came into my life, the most beautiful person ever. He came in, and my life shone. I was getting up to do art classes, everyone was so happy, and my world was shining. Then you came back, wanting me again. After everything. Suddenly, because you wanted me back, it was completely differently from when I wanted you. You have no idea, what you did to me. You knew you were hurting me. My boyfriend, found me on my floor crying. I had to leave the house because my dad didn’t want to see me. You turn my world upside FUCKING down! I did the brave thing, and I shut you out again, Forever. You asked me back, and no, was my answer. because you screwed me over once before, and you did all over again. because you are so judgemental. You left, and you again took everything with you, in fact, what you didn’t take first time, you took the second. You left me suicidal with all the things you said and the way I felt. Self harmed. What have I EVER done to you to make you do that. Nothing!!! What! just because I don’t go to college or uni. How dare you! I am a damn good person and I will forever treat people with respect and love because that is what they need. But you, leaving me like that, and still feeling like you are the right one! Everyone I know, doesn’t like you. Even people you think who like you, don’t. And yet you still emailed me saying about how well you are doing at uni and I should let everything go, because you saw on my blog what I had put, that I self harmed because of the crap you said. No, it doesn’t work like that. And why should I listen to you, because I wont. I almost lost someone so dear and beautiful because of you, but I proved to myself I was strong enough to say no! How could I listen to anyone who say “you are the love of my life but I don’t love you”. You might as well have stabbed me.
You have no idea what you did. I am recovering now, and I don’t get nightmares with you in. I can actually wake up in the morning and smile.
All I ever did, was love you, and take care of you, like no one else, and that was the thanks I got.