Most of the time I know you couldn’t help it. You made decisions when you were delusional.
What gets me the most is that we could have negotiated our friendship to be something that we were both happy with. I know this because I had an umlimited ability and willingness to work things out, because I cared about you so much, and I valued our friendship so much. Yes, I was a little in love with you, but I worked really hard to channel that energy into close friends, because I knew you were straight. I know I loved you in the way God loves. I take no pride in it, perhaps you are the only person I ever took such heroic measures with. I’ll never do it again, anyone new will have to care about me and show it as much as I about them. I earned and deserved the respect of an authentic conversation after over 2 years of daily interaction with you. YOu send me a card saying how much you appreciated me, us, and then decided to not speak to me?
I know you didn’t use me completely, maybe some of the time you did. i remember when you sewed a button for me, then when I asked you to do another one you acted like I was expecting too much. The thing is I know you enjoyed sewing my shirt to begin with, I could read it in your energy. Maybe that’s why you acted that way, it seemed whenever it was apparent you felt affection toward me, you had to sabotage it by not letting it happen again. YOu did this with so many things. After helping you with so many things, for you to act like that hurt me so much. The incident with the button was the beginning of the end for me. I had made up my mind that I was going to demand more respect in our friendship, even if it meant a less close one.
If we ever became friends again, that’s what I’d do. Your illness untreated did alot of damage to both of us. You’ve gotten into enough messes to realize that you need help. If you dont get it you are saying that the people in your life arent worth it to be well, that you arent worth it, and that you have no obligation to make the most of the gift of life God has given you. If you really love your sons and want them in your life you would commit to getting well. YOu cant do it alone, wihout friends, without professionals. NO one with your problems can. YOur pride will kill you J, it already has in many ways. And I think you may be addicted to prescription meds, and that is a huge problem too. I would have helped you and supported you and literally gone to the ends of the earth to help you. I would have even left your life if that would have made you better but it’s the last thing you needed, just like losing you was the last thing I needed.
I have let you go on many levels. But I will never stop being someone that would be there if you needed me. Because that’s a calling God gave me and I dont reject those. I will worry about you for the rest of my life and that will always be worse for me and more psychically draining than being in your life. I so want you to be okay and know how worthy you are of love and a good, peaceful life. YOu make such experience for yourself impossible.
Goodbye for now, until we meet again, hopefully on this earth. I pray for us to reconcile because I know not doing so will never allow the scars to yourself and me that your illness inflicted to fully heal. You let your illness win, but you can always ask for a rematch and be a champion for your own cause, your life and being the best you can be.
Always love you as God does,