I hate it when people say: “Like I give a shit!” Because half of the time they don’t mean it, OR they really fuckin do, and I’m just insanely jealous.
The person I love most really doesn’t give a shit sometimes, and that fucking hurts, mostly because I wish I could not give a shit that much.
It might be the years of being a step above trash that I have on my belt, or it might be my over sensitivity, but half of the time I don’t feel loved the right way. Like you can never not give a shit in that situation, it’s just not how it’s supposed to be. That I shouldn’t even want to compete with your don’t give a shit.
I want to fucking let go of everything.
Just to step back and not give a damn, or a hell, or a shit, or two for that matter. I TRY, I push for it. Because if I could just stop caring so goddamn much, I could just be at peace. I could just be complacently happy with MY own fucking life, and NOT GIVE A SHIT about how anyone feels about that.
I have walked away from a lot of negativity in my life. I have stepped back and let things go. They were never big enough things. I let people in my life, who I really don’t care about one way or another, and I fight to be friendly, to be compassionate, because people like that are a dying breed. Sometimes it is just SO hard. Between the fast food job I currently, and resentfully hold, and the awful people I experience on a regular basis to the complete love of my life, who I annoy so much at points, that he can’t even hold a fucking conversation with me.
I feel like I’m always wrong and I’m always messing up. I feel like a child with all the responsibility of an adult, and none of the credit. I’m so unhappy sometimes I could cry, but no one would care. I want someone to care, and not just blow me off like my mother always did, and my sister, and my grandfather. I want my father to want me. I want my sister to respect me. I want my mother to be a mother, and I want my husband to love me unconditionally. I want my best friend back, and want to erase the face that my only bridge wants to see her naked, just cause. I want to be around her and not feel so small. Not feel so unbearably out of place on the shelf among all of her brilliant qualities.
I want the respect I give.
I want unconditional love that I give.
I want the investment I’ve put in.
I want the happiness I strive for.
I want the peace of mind I in-vision.