• Deja Vu

    by  • July 2, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Moving On • 0 Comments

    Dear you,

    It was 2007 when I came to your school and joined the 9th grade class. I saw you and knew that I didn’t even want to be friends with you. Little did I know, you would be one of the people to impact my life the most. Over time, we became friends and then you began to help me through the things in my life. The breakups came, the friends walked away, the parents drove us crazy, but you remained in my life and gave me hope that people weren’t all the same. “Best Friends” was the title we soon assumed and we truly gave it meaning. We would talk for almost all hours of the day at home and almost every minute at school; you knew me better than anyone else. My sweet 16 party came around and obviously you came. We danced the night away in each other’s arms, but not like one of those “sex on the dance floor” dances, it was one of those “everyone knows you’re in love” dances. From that moment on, we both knew there was more than friendship; we had a friendship set on fire. Soon you told me how you felt and I told you it was mutual and we entered into a beautiful relationship. It was the type of relationship where beautiful and simplicity ruled our lives; we never even kissed. Our days were filled with irreplaceable happy moments, late night phone calls hiding under the covers so are parents couldn’t hear, and everything anyone could ever want. It all seemed perfect until the not so perfect stuff set in, as you know it always does. The things I thought would never bother me brought everything to a halt. I ended things by explaining to you that I didn’t feel the same anymore, but I think I was trying to make myself believe that because the moment we broke up, I began to love you even more than I had before. Something happened though, that wasn’t ever expected; you fell for my best friend. So telling you that I was still in love with you was completely out of the question because you walked away with her. I was stunned, heartbroken, and devastated, but not simply because we were over, but because you picked everything up and moved on like we never really meant anything to you. I know we did; I know how you felt, but you’re actions were showing me something different. I watched you guys though, in and out of school, and it killed me inside, but I vowed not to let you know. I felt like I had made the right decision and I wasn’t going to let myself back out now. It didn’t take you long to get screwed over by her though and we all knew it would happen. You came around and said you wanted to continue our friendship because losing me was one of the hardest things you’d been through and you knew I agreed. “Best Friends” was the title we soon assumed and we truly gave it meaning. We would talk for almost all hours of the day at home and almost every minute at school; you knew me better than anyone else. Sound familiar? Well everything happened all over again and I just simply continued loving you. It was so confusing to me though because you acted the same exact way that you had before, but this time you didn’t love me. We both found other lovers and both turned out unsatisfactory; nothing was the same as what we had. I thought I had gotten over you, but I had simply suppressed my emotions and before long, I realized I was still in love with you. You continued to move onto other girls and I continued to try and move on from you, but no one had my heart like you did. You knew me inside out; you knew me better than anyone else. Nevertheless, 3 years later, I decided it was time and I told you exactly how I had felt all along. I couldn’t continue my life without taking a risk and finding out if we could ever have a second chance. You were shocked, but I didn’t understand how you could be; I thought you knew me better than anyone else. Regardless, you told me that you didn’t feel the same and I knew that I had to move on now because there was never going to be an “us” again. You told me though that you had lost our friendship before and you weren’t going to let that happen again and I agreed. “Best Friends” was the title we soon assumed and we truly gave it meaning. We would talk for almost all hours of the day at home and almost every minute at school; you knew me better than anyone else. Sound familiar? Well this time there was something different, part of you had changed. Before I knew it, you told me you had feelings for me too, but you weren’t ready for another relationship since you had just come out of one. I completely understood, I mean how could I not? I had waited for 3 years and now I was going to get a second chance; I was thrilled. We began going on dates and hanging out, but it was different than before. You seemed to be focused on one thing and that was what you could get from me even though you knew how priceless those things were to me; I hadn’t even given away my first kiss. So while constantly assuring me that you didn’t want to do anything that I didn’t want to and that you respected me, you pushed my limits and boundaries farther than I ever wanted. What was I going to do? You knew that I loved you and after a while, I didn’t have to constantly convince myself it was okay; I started to believe it. Over a little time, I began to see that something wasn’t right, after all, I knew you better than almost anyone. I was spending my days hoping the inevitable wasn’t happening, that you were still in love with your ex. It didn’t matter though, I decided to settle for a corner of your heart and pray to God that you really were over her. I let you treat me like a piece of dirt; I waited forever and you still didn’t even ask me to be your girlfriend. It was as if I was some big secret or maybe that you were embarrassed by me, but either way, you made me feel like I was worthless. I settled and compromised more than I would ever like to admit and then one day, you walked away and went back to her. You apologized and insisted that you had nothing but respect for me. How can you even say that when all you cared about was yourself? You put your own desires before my heart. You used me like I was just some second option or means of getting over her or way of passing the time. It hurt so much more coming from you too because you were the only person I had still given my trust to and not had it thrown in my face; you proved to me that you can never trust anyone. I mean, while I walked away with noting, you walked away with everything. You knew very well what you were doing and you knew very well that I was in love with you. You just decided that what you wanted was more important that any part of me. Well thanks to you for helping me get over you because now I want nothing to do with you. I would never choose to be friends with people who think it’s okay to do that to someone. You need to really look at your life and think about what matters to you because you’ve burnt so many bridges that one day you’re going to turn around and have no one there. I was one of the only people who truly cared about you and believed the best in you, but now I’m gone too. Well, I guess that leaves me right back where we started “I saw you and knew that I didn’t even want to be friends with you.”

    Leave a Reply