I’m lousy at actually talking about my feelings. Anyone who knows me knows that. I communicate best with writing or singing, but never with talking. It’s a problem, especially when I’m feeling so very much right now. This is the best I could do…and the odds are you’ll never read this, and you’ll never know.
I suppose it’s stupid to feel a loss, even though I went into this knowing I would never really have you. I knew going in where I stood, and I thought I was prepared for the time when you were posted and left me behind, figuring I’d be left behind in every way. What I didn’t know is how much this would really hurt. I may not have a right to feel the loss, but I do. I wanted to believe I was above all this, that I was mature enough to handle being the second choice. I still think I could be…but I made the biggest mistake. I started to believe the lie. I started to believe you love me.
Maybe the reality is that you do love me, at least a little. but when I’m compared to her, how can that be possible? She’s beautiful, she’s fun, she’s funny, she’s your wife and the mother of your children. She has been the most important woman in your life for like 6 years. I’ve only been in the picture, actively in the picture, for about 3 of those years. Our friendship was gradual. Never bad or awkward, but gradual. When my life threatened to implode on itself, you stood by me, supporting me and staying up with me all night talking. You showed me the best in you, and I was lost.
Things escalated…maybe we should have controlled it. Maybe after the first mistake we should have just pretended, and carried on as we were. Lord knows we tried, though maybe not hard enough. I can’t help how I feel. You told me the same thing. We snuck our moments together. Little touches that both fed the fire and calmed the storm. Little touches provided security, knowing that we had something. Like all secrets, it became a challenge. I wrestled with the guilt of not feeling guilty…I never asked you, not once, how you felt. You told me you loved me, and that’s all that mattered, all I wanted to hear.
And now…now you’re leaving. You’re packing up that wonderful family with you, and moving away to start the next chapter of your life. I want to be selfless and just let you go with a smile, and a cheeky comment. In fact, that’s probably all you’ll actually see, that smile and friendly face. We’ll make our Christmas plans, maybe even try to plan time together. On the surface, you’ll see nothing but the girl who thought she was okay with being just a mistress. And it’s better that you never know what’s really in my heart, or just behind the smile.
In the end, I just have to accept that it’s over. It never really started, you were never mine, and the loss is selfish and I should let it go.
The reality is, I’ll end up waiting for you anyway.