It’s been almost two years now since breaking up and although I have personally changed, feelings haven’t. I haven’t moved anywhere new and I still drive the same car and work for the same person but everything else about me changed into the person I should have always been. Talking to a professional about everything and doing what I had to do to feel better was the best decision ever. Yes, I actually asked for help and got it. I did what I had to do to get back on track. I’m not going to hide the fact that after I turned 21 I went a little nuts with drinking and almost damaged my body to a point of no repair. It was one of my lower times and breaking down in front of Mike helped me realize what I needed to do – get in to a doctor, take what was prescribed, get into counseling. Did it all and then some. And now, I’m looking in the mirror confidently again. Finally having a family unit to talk to was one of the best things that could have happened to me as well (I’m talking about the “office family” – my mother is still and always will be nuts, that is something I can’t help).
It’s not like I haven’t tried moving on because I have. I’ve tried completely opening up to others and actually was with someone for a while but there was still that nagging in my head and my heart that it was never going to be right until I make one more complete effort here.
Although I would beg and plead just for a chance to talk like civilized human beings again, I know I hurt you and can never be sure such a thing would happen. I know I may just have to accept that everything that happened was too much and nothing I ever say or do will even be enough for a polite response but I will never know unless I try and it’s at the point where I can’t even rest until I try. A friend helped me realize that everyone makes mistakes and that nothing is a lost cause. Nothing feels like a lost cause for me – if I want there to be hope, there is hope then.
I can’t wear the necklace anymore but every time I look at the stuffed animal puppy you got me, I have to bang my head against something and ask myself why I forgot about the day I got him when I decided to make the worst mistake of my life and hurt someone that meant the world to me. Then I fast forward in my mind a bit and wonder why I lied every time I said I didn’t care anymore.
I made a mistake. I’m not going to sugarcoat it and act like nothing bad happened and feelings weren’t hurt. I’m completely aware and having Karma kick me in the ass helped even more for me to get it through my head.
I just needed you to know that although time has passed, that’s all that has happened. Feelings are still the same. It’s difficult to have something like that playing in my head constantly without saying anything so that’s why I’m sending this. I’m sorry if this upsets you in any way because that is absolutely not my intention.