I’m so tired of everything.
I’m tired of working, of going to school.
I’m tired of dealing with friends and family.
I know it’s important and that I need to make an effort to make these relationships last,
but I’m just so tired.
I thought it would all get better when I lost the weight. I’ve lost nearly one hundred pounds now, and I think I at least look decent.
But still, no one notices me. I’ve never had anyone love me. I’ve never been on a date or even been kissed. I’ve struggled with being overweight my whole life. I’ve been plagued by insecurities and never had self confidence. I feel guilty for existing sometimes. Now that I’m a normal size I thought it would get better, but it keeps getting worse.
My parents have been married for over twenty five years. Two days ago my mom spent her anniversary alone. After all that time my dad decided to leave her. Not only is he dropping a long standing commitment with her, but we have been through more than most. Five years ago my mother almost died when a blood vessel in her brain ruptured. He stayed by her side the whole time during the year long recovery. But now he’s leaving because he’s bored. Physically the relationship isn’t what it used to be, apparently.
It kills me that these feelings, of not feeling wanted by anyone based on how you look, might never go away. That even when you’ve built a life with someone, it can all be violently uprooted because of something stupid like sex.
I firmly believe that very few people care, and that no one will ever care about me.