• My heart breaks for my mother…

    by  • July 1, 2011 • Grief, Parents • 0 Comments

    My heart breaks for you mom. I wish things were different for you because you don’t deserve the life you live. You are so selfless, a sweet woman who does nothing but help and worry for others. You have a big heart. You are always cheerful and always looking for the positive in things. You are that nice little woman that can do no wrong, everyone that knows you says so. You always appear to be smiling and happy, but i know its just a show.

    I know you’re not ok and you’re not happy with your life and the life you have built with my father. I know the pain you have been through because of his family and all the wrong they have done to you, how they have torn you down and how they have tried to tear you and my father up – i know that because you bring them up everyday. I know the resentment you have towards him for not sticking up for you and in turn taking their side. I know the resentment you hold against him for not being much of a father to us and for being less of a husband and man for you. I know you feel trapped because you have two kids and a shitty job with no degree and no where to turn. Right now i know your heart is breaking for your mother, because she is an elderly woman with no where to live and an empty guest room sits in your home but my father will not accept her to live here. And i know that my recent health scare and begging my father to help me pay for my surgery tore you up.

    I wish i could undo all the wrong for you. I really do. I really wish my teenage brother was not so disrespectful, demanding and verbally abusive to you. But i know its hard to have a handle on him because of his age and lack of a male authority in the house to raise him. I hate how he disrespects you and you vaguely reprimand him. I know you translate his “rage” for hurt because of my father not being a “father” and in turn you bend your head down and try to please him as much as possible. That is not ok. Yet, you dedicate yourself daily to him and driving him around. It angers me. It angers me how unappreciated you are, specially by my father.

    He is never around. He is always working, which he is, but when he’s home he’s as good as gone. He never takes you out or treats you to anything. Birthdays and holidays are meaningless to him in regards to you. He doesn’t even stick up for you when my brother is being disrespectful. He sold your car and spent the money, now leaving you with a tin car for a car. Things physically and metaphorically are falling apart in this home and he is never around to fix anything. I wish you could leave him and find someone else to make you happy and if not be in a happy environment. Both my brother and I hate him, and i know you slowly have begun to too.

    I see your weakness through your eyes. Happiness starts with yourself, and i know that that is so far out of reach for you. You always make jokes about how the two c-sections have distorted your body, but i know and see they are not jokes. I know you wish for a makeover, one that my father could afford and will not give you. I feel for you, i really do. I know your job depressing and not paying you well. I know all your money goes to food, gas and bills and you feel your hands are tied. Tied, because you don’t have a degree and struggle to find another job. It really saddens me that you can’t treat yourself to anything and no one does, because you deserve it.

    I wish i wasn’t away at school and had the time and money to make things right. But even then, i don’t know how. I know we have so many things, and i alone, to be thankful for and others are going through worse circumstances. But… you don’t deserve any of this. I really wish i could change everything for you.

    Leave a Reply