It’s a daily process to try to forgive you, and all I wanted was a little love and affection.
To my “dad,” I don’t even consider you that anymore. You were never around. You never tried. I finally found out the truth from my very drunk brother, two or three days before Fathers Day, at that. You and my mom were dating when we lived in Alaska, she got pregnant. You didn’t want anything to do with us, and you left. My mom has been working her ass off my whole life to make sure she could provide for my brother and I. And you weren’t his biological dad, but no matter. You still were my, well, sperm donor I guess. You were apparently a successful career man with the nice car and nice house, and I guess you were afraid I’d ruin all that. I’m sickened by the fact that you didn’t even try. You are a spineless bastard. You’re not a man in my eyes. I’ve never even seen a picture of you, and I don’t want to. When I was young, I had to put up with that bullshit that stems from being a kid of a single mom. Everyone treats you like you’re so fragile. People try to compensate. But that wasn’t what I needed. And it’s all your fault. Who knows, maybe you have a happy little suburb family somewhere in Alaska, or somewhere else. Maybe you think about me, and wonder where I am now, or maybe you’ve forgotten that I even exist. And just maybe, you’re a single businessman, who’s all alone in his big fancy house with no one to share it with, and you’re lonely because of your own pride. I hope you think about me, and that your stomach turns every time you realize you’ll likely never see me. I used to want to meet you when I was young, but now that I know the truth, I want nothing to do with you, the same way you wanted nothing to do with me.
To my “brother,” I have few things to say to you. Stop being drunk/high/whatever else all the time. I’m sick of dealing with your shit. I’m trying to build my own life that will be better than yours by volumes, and I don’t need to be kept awake at night because you’re throwing up in the next room for 4 hours on and off. And stop trying to be my big brother. I can take care of myself. You missed your chance. Like the time when I was probably no more than 5, and you didn’t do something as simple as dry my winter coat that mom had washed. Or hell, you could have just given me another one. I was too panicked to think of anything else. So in the middle of a wet Washington winter, I went out to the bus stop by myself at 7:17 am without a jacket, and cried until the bus driver gave me his. It doesn’t seem like a big deal, but when you’re young, it is. And I always feel cold when I think about it. You’re always worried about the guys in my life, whether it’s my friends or boyfriends. Truth be told, I’ve been around a few scumbags. But they at least waited until I wasn’t around to do so. So stop threatening to kick their asses, because I could probably beat your drunk ass up (just like mom did when you’d talk shit in front of your friends in your teens.) Stop trying to build that bridge. I’ve given up.
To my mom. I really do appreciate everything you did for me, and still do. Working 3 jobs sometimes, just to support me and occasionally my brother. Always making sure I had lunch tickets when I needed them. School supplies, clothes, food, other stupid things like a Playstation 2 and a Gameboy. You’ve always worked hard, and still do when you can find work. But the one thing I wanted, was just to hear that I’ve done a good job. Just a hug. The smallest little gesture that showed you actually cared, and that I wasn’t just a burden. One day, I hope we could have a heart to heart without it involving Grandma being dead, and that I need to go see grandpa.
Lucky for me, God has provided all of those things that I’ve missed in tenfold. I’m at a great church where all of the men and women look out for the younger people as though they were their own. And I have great friends who are like brothers to me. (I’m still working on the sisters thing, since I’ve always kind of had problems making friends with girls.) And on top of that, I have the sweetest boyfriend ever, who’s as cute as hell.