June 29, 2011
So here it is. I’ve come to the place I’ve been clawing and crawling towards since the moment we shared an umbrella on a rainy day.
I’ve known from the moment I met you how bad for me you were. I’m a smart woman. I pride myself on my common sense. And I was so angry at myself for that common sense not making an appearance when it came to you. Your jealousy. Your anger. The fact that the only thing we have in common is the way we look at each other. It’s all been a recipe for one huge mindfuck with a chaser of self-loathing for me. None of my friends like you. Everyone thinks you are bad for me. AND I AGREED WITH THEM. I didn’t want to be that girl. But damn it. The way you look at me. As if you have known me and every single moment of my whole life. And when you hold me, everything that doesn’t make sense, makes sense.
But the problem is that this is real life. And the times when you aren’t looking and you aren’t holding me count more. Far more. Because today I finally woke up.
Everything is about you. Your feelings. Your emotions. What you want. Your timetable. Everything. I spend all the time I have with you just reacting to your emotions. I realized today that when it comes to us, I don’t get to have any real feelings of my own until you’re gone. And then most of what I feel is sadness and disappointment.
It’s not worth it. We aren’t worth it. I won’t waste myself on selfishness. I’m better than that. So it’s over. And you’re just going to have to figure out how to accept that. And I know that’s going to be hard for you. But it’s your turn to feel like you don’t have a choice.