Tonight I can’t sleep. I have been avoiding writing anything down in hopes that I would help this feeling pass and clearly it hasn’t. You know to be completely honest I think that my thoughts of you are unhealthy now that I don’t know how to make them fade away. I think of you first thing in the morning and you are the last person I think of at night. Throughout my day your face randomly appears and it seems like I can’t brush it away. You being a part of my thoughts has become my “new normal” that is abnormal right? I can only assume that you do not feel the same way. This week I heard a song on my way to work and you filled my thoughts completely. Goodness I am going to start school in the fall for clinical psychology and I can’t help but thing that I am the one who needs help. I have tried to give it my all. I have tried to put everything I have into pushing thoughts of you to the past and moving forward; I think I am still moving forward in my career goals but how can I give my all when you still have so much of me?
I’m scared. I am scared that I am still sick. I am scared that my feelings towards you are all part of this disorder. I am scared that I will never know what real love feels like because I will never know if I am better. If this skewed view of how much I love you is all part of this illness I will be heartbroken. I try to make sense of it all but its difficult. It’s difficult understanding if I am better or not. It is difficult practicing restriction.
I have so much ahead of me. I have so much to look forward too! And for the first time in a while I am so excited to be making all these big decisions on my own. I am truly and genuinely excited but there’s still this part of me that longs for you. I feel that all my current goals are obtainable…my independence, my career, my education; all of those fill my heart but you filled my heart in ways I never understood were possible.
I want to be the best person anyone would be lucky to have. I want to be a person I would be most proud of. I want to be a person that my children will look up to and admire. I want to influence, at least, just one person’s world. I want to be cultured and aware. I want to fill my mind with knowledge that I can have for a lifetime. I want to be happy alone and with someone by my side; and for some reason since October of 2007 I’ve wanted to experience all of the above….with you.