I’m sure this seems over done on this site but hear me out. before eating me alive
Mom, I love you so much. I love your husband he’s nice and he makes you happy and he’s not a douche, he isnt abusive. However the divorce as much as I refuse to admit that it hurt me in any way shape or form because it was necessary. We needed that split. Dad may not have ever hit you but he is a whole different man than the one you used to love I guess because all you two ever did was argue. I know you cried when you found out I was having sex without love but I was afraid I would never find it.
Now that I’ve made a mistake all I want to do is blame it on something else and I just keep going back to that conversation where you cried because it was all your fault I was so hardened inside. It was all your fault I would never love. I never knew why I had these walls or rules, I just have them so I don’t get hurt. I think I just didn’t want to make the same mistakes as you did with dad. I know you say it wasn’t a mistake but, If you couldn’t last more then 17 years I think it kind of is. You were raised in a household of divorce as was I. However I’m afraid to love. I’m afraid to go to sleep crying, to argue with my husband everynight. I’m afraid to fall in love because I learned that love was what you and dad had. You guys always said you loved each other but you didn’t and That lie hurts me so much. I can handle the truth more then the lie. YOUR LIES could have started this.
I don’t date ex’s twice
you went back to dad
I could never do long distance.
I could never see myself as beautiful unless I’m twiggy.
You always want to weigh less then me. I believe when you had me, you weighed less
I’m afraid of dating someone I actually like
You ALWAYS told me you loved dad. I couldn’t sleep through the screams, I would come downstairs to comfort you through the tears and tell you I had a bad dream so you wouldn’t know I heard you and your so called love.
Mom I love you, and you provide me with more then I could ever need. More then anyone could ever ask for. You don’t even want me to get a job when I go to college. you want to pay for it just you and dad. Half of my first car? that’s Amazing. Up to 5,000 bucks? how could we afford that? but you’re willing to do it anyway You supply me with a home (not a house, a home) and it doesn’t matter to me where it is, but the view? we own a fucking island, no bigger than a shed but an island none the less. I had a beautiful childhood. the clothes on my back are always clean. I got to paint my room twice. And my god I have DESTROYED your carpet and I love my room. I have a 32 inch flatscreen and a laptop AND a cellphone I have it so damn good
But I don’t need any of it
You know I would be fine living in the woods, if my clothes were from goodwill. we have the money, so I spend it on clothes and concerts so what? I have a job of my own so you don’t have to buy me clothes or concert ticket I know we need to pay the mortgage just like I know you pawned the diamond dad gave you.
Mom you’re amazing you do so much and I know you feel under Appreciated but you’re amazing, and perfect I just I wish you didn’t tell me that one lie, because I don’t want to be afraid of love. I don’t want to be afraid of getting hurt
Sincerely Your Sunshine, Your Brown-eyed Girl, Your Clone, Your Junior, Your Youngest, Your daughter, Your Allie-Cat.
I love you, but if this is your fault, That’s the one thing I can’t stand to be a Lie. Love is the one thing that should ALWAYS be true.