When you look at me at first glance it looks like i have everything together. My family has money in the bank, I went to a good high school, I get good grades, I have a social life. But I don’t have everything together at all.
I am lost and confused in this world. I feel like all my friends don’t care about me at all and don’t want to be friends with me. My family is completely divided and torn apart and I am the messenger who has to hear everyone’s complaints. I just found out my mother has borderline personality disorder which causes her to criticize me at every move I make and emotional, verbally and physically abuse me. And I have a father who just retired who is now depressed because his job was his whole life (more than me his only daughter/child). I feel like every decision I make is wrong and just makes things worse for everyone. I hate the college I decided to go to and I cry myself to sleep at least once a week. I fell for a boy who liked me, then I got so afraid of being close to someone I purposely messed it up so I would not drag him into my stressful life.
I hold all this in because I don’t want people to feel bad for me and I don’t know who to open up to and talk to. Every time I start to open up and share part of my story people shut me down because they think I have nothing to worry about or problems. Well I do! We all do! WE ALL HAVE PROBLEMS!
So I hope I am not the only person out there holding secrets in like this, because it is a very lonely feeling. And if you are out there know that you are not alone! When you see someone whether it is in class, that person you see don’t know but see every day, that person with a smile on their face, or the old man sitting at a table alone, don’t think that you know how they feel. Even when people are busy and surrounded by people they can feel completely alone.
Thus to all how are feeing this way, please tell me I’m not alone. I can’t stand feeling like this anymore. I just want to know I am not alone, even though in some aspects I caused it.
To all those who read this thank you for letting me finally be able to vent to someone.
Ms. Perfect on the outside & completely falling apart on the inside