I’m about to start my senior year of college.
Here is how a normal day goes: class, homework, work, sleep, repeat.
Is this how life will always be? I feel like I’m just going through the motions with my life and that I’m not really LIVING. I do what I have to in order to get by.
I’ve alienated most of my friends over the years because of school work. Yes, my school work is important for my future, but is it important enough that I feel alone? Most people don’t even know or understand how I’ll make a future in my field. Oh, I will. I’m determined that I will be the kind of teacher that positively influences others and that motivates students to pursue what they love to do. But I won’t make a lot of money. Which is what my parents are worried about. I’m not worried about money now. I’m just worried about all the classes that I have to take between now and graduation.
I’ve been dating the same guy for a while now. I’m not going to lie. I miss the days of being able to sleep with or date whoever I wanted. He says he cares about me, but most days it just doesn’t feel like it. It’s not like he does anything wrong. He’s never yelled at me, never hurt me, never lied to me, never cheated. Honestly, he is perfect. He treats me like a princess. But sometimes, I can’t tell that he cares about me, so I cry myself to sleep…and he doesn’t know. He would do anything for any of his guy friends, and says he would do anything for me, but I’m not sure he would. I don’t even know if he believes in LOVE or in marriage! How can I date someone long-term like that? If he doesn’t believe in love or marriage, then what is the point?
I don’t even know who my real friends are. I trust about three people outside of my family and my boyfriend. I don’t tell my supposed “best” friend anything. I don’t trust her. I haven’t in about 8 months…but she doesn’t know that. When she has problems, I sit there and listen and give my feedback. Of course she doesn’t take it, otherwise she wouldn’t be making the mistake that she is now. I know she’s just dating him because she wants attention from someone and right now, he gives it to her. As horrible as this sounds, I can’t wait for him to break up with her. I’ll be there for her when she cries, but I will secretly be so happy. She has REALLY lowered her standards. He’s super trashy and drinks more than a normal person should.
I shouldn’t even mention work. I’m pretty sure that everyone thinks I’m an idiot JUST because of my job…but HELLO! This is a temporary job because I AM STILL IN COLLEGE and just need to make money. I wish my managers would see that I try hard. That I don’t take smoke breaks. That I don’t cuss in front of customers. That I don’t get on my cellphone. That I ACTUALLY try and that I actually care.
I just feel unhappy on a daily basis. I don’t want to get on anti-depressants. I think that anti-depressants are a cop-out because I don’t think depression is real. I just know that I’m generally not happy.
I need to do something. I need to get out of this rut before I do anything that I regret and that I can’t take back.
I need to do something.
So, I will finish this letter and try to go to sleep early tonight and think of something to do that will bring me out of this phase.
I hope it’s just a phase.